Mama Sings the Blues

Team Spike

2012-01-02T18:21:00.001-06:00

Demon Hunter & Spike (of course we had to have code names!)

A friend of mine turned me onto something called letterboxing. Basically, you have a stamp book and a stamp. You create a team (in my case, me and my boys) and together you go out looking for "letterboxes" which are basically hidden boxes with a stamp and a notebook inside. You stamp your stamp in their book and your stamp in their book.

The fun lies in following the clues (they are mostly in park-type settings) and pretending to be spies or detectives.

You can also "plant" your own boxes for others to find. The website suggests waiting until you have found a few before hiding your own but we were anxious to get started so we hid a box in our neighborhood.

The fun is in trying to think of good clues to help others find our box. I also wanted something fairly close by so we could go check on it from time to time.

Mama Spike

Hint: The box is under these rocks!!

The part that I'm really excited about is that this gets us out of the house, doing fun things as a family outside in places we normally don't go. It's also very close to being free, which is a pretty big benefit. :)

Happy Hunting!!

Baby G is 3 months old!!!!

2011-12-29T17:42:00.001-06:00

November 29--

2011-12-01T17:35:00.001-06:00

Baby G turned 2 months old!!! (and was a little cranky for his monthly picture!

He smiles now!!

2011-11-11T19:34:00.001-06:00

Mama's Moomers

2011-11-07T10:58:00.001-06:00

Last week my sweet Moomers had a stomach bug. I felt so bad for him, little guy. He threw up in the middle of the night and I kept him home from school the next day. He camped out on the couch and watched movies all day. I thought he was better and I had planned on him going to school the next day, but he came to my room at 2am covered in vomit.

I gave him a bath and fresh jammies and got him settled in on the couch. The next day was spent recuperating as well and he was fine by following day and went to school.

My poor sick boy :(

Mooms has been doing the sweetest thing for the past few weeks: he'll make little love notes for me and put them in his back pack for me to find. Here is a couple of recent ones:

Both of my boys are great little artists and I love it when they make things for me. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done...

Baking with my boys

2011-11-06T16:12:00.001-06:00

Moomers and LeeLee love being my "helpers" when I'm baking and they are getting really good at knowing which ingredients we need for our current favorite recipe. They usually decide between the two of them who gets to do what: Moomers, in charge of putting in the oatmeal, LeeLee the chocolate chips.

Each time I decide to bake cookies I'll suggest another recipe but they keep requesting this one so that's what we go with. I used to just buy whichever random semi-sweet morsels were on sale: usually Nestle or store-brand. But one day C brought home some Ghiradelli morsels because they were on sale.

I had never used them before and at first was not too into using milk chocolate instead of semi sweet, but I was so so wrong. They are delightful.

In all honesty, he probably bought them because of the San Francisco connection.

But the thing I like about the morsels is that they are HUGE. Not hard little chunks but big and soft: perfect for these cookies.

Since the flavor is a little more mild than semi-sweet I do add a bit more kosher salt and vanilla extract to balance them out.

The times I spent baking with my mom were some of my most treasured childhood memories so I love passing that on to my boys. They really love helping and they do already come from a culinary family: both their step dad and their uncle are chefs.

C had to take over with the baking lesson and show them how to scoop the dough onto the cookie sheets, I had to go feed baby G. The cookies turned out well!

Halloween!!!

2011-10-31T18:03:00.001-05:00

Here are my littles' costumes for this year!!!!

Baby G is One Month Old Today!!!!

2011-10-31T13:06:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's October 29th. On the 29th of last month I was in the hospital delivering my sweet Baby G. It's been a great month, really much easier of a transition than I was expecting. I think every month for a year or so I will take a picture of him in his special octopus chair.

Here is the first one:

And here he is this time last month:

Happy birthday, sweet baby boy. We are so happy you are a part of our family.

My Ex Got Married

2011-10-29T13:44:00.002-05:00

What a crazy couple of years it's been. Sometimes I feel a bit sad and guilty that my boys have had to go through so many changes so quickly: breakup of their nuclear family, addition of a step dad, two moves: once to my single-mama duplex and then to our current suburban home, their father's girlfriend moving in, the addition of a new brother and now their father remarrying.

I'm hoping things will settle down for a bit now. I found out yesterday about the marriage and I was surprised to hear the news, although not unpleasantly so.

I am happy for him, for them. I was miserable in our marriage and could spend the rest of my life feeling angry and victimized about the things I feel he did to me during our almost-8 years together. OR I could let it go and wish the father of my twin boys the best. His health and happiness affects them and I want nothing but good things for them.

*I* am the happiest I have ever been-- After I finally left S I met the love of my life and have a baby with him. C finally achieved a very big professional goal recently and is building a solid career for himself. I have spent years building my career too and really like what I do and will go back to it after my maternity leave. I love the home we have spent the past couple of years building together and am looking forward to our future.

So why can't we all be happy? Why can't we work together to raise two amazing little boys? I know Miss C loves the boys. I could spend my time feeling possessive of them or I could be grateful that she is kind to them. I don't agree with a lot of S's ideas and lifestyle choices BUT I don't have to be a part of them. I don't have to live with him or share a life with him so who cares? As long as he takes care of our boys when they are with him, his life is his own and clearly he has found a person who he is happy with who is happy to share it with him.

So--to them I say congratulations. I am genuinely happy for you.

It feels good to finally let go of the past and move on from all the hurt feelings and bitterness I've felt towards him for years. He will always be in my life because of our children and it feels good to finally be to the point where I can just be his co-parent and not his enemy.

Moomers' Tooth

2011-10-29T13:18:00.000-05:00

I guess I wasn't blogging when Mooms lost his first tooth so I'll correct that by adding the pictures I took from then:

Proud boy and his brother

Tooth pillow!

Mama Tooth Fairy

Happy sleepy boy...

Apparently Moomers thought the tooth fairy only left him $2 and was upset when he saw that "she" had left LeeLee $3...but as you can see from above, he got $3 too! :)

My LeeLee lost his first tooth!

2011-10-29T12:54:00.001-05:00

Moomers lost his first tooth last year and it looked like he'd lose his second before LeeLee lost one, but yesterday they came home and LeeLee showed me his wiggliest tooth--it was beyond loose and leaning forward.

I knew it had to come out and I was worried that he would swallow it if it fell out on it's own. I grabbed a clean dish towel and grabbed on to the tooth. It made me feel squeamish to try to pull out out and I gave up a few times before I gathered up some courage and pulled gently until I felt a (kind of gross ;) pop and the tooth came out in my towel-covered hand.

I felt a bit nauseated when I saw the blood in his mouth but he was euphoric! I had him rinse his mouth out and he was running around completely giddy and happy. It was the sweetest thing ever, well at least since Mooms lost HIS tooth ;)

Here is my proud big boy:

This weekend they are with their Papa, so the tooth fairy had to find him over there. He took his tooth pillow and his little tooth in a baggie and his piggy bank to put his "bills" in. I love my boys...

Lately...

2011-10-26T10:22:00.001-05:00

Baby G Money is getting SO BIG. It almost makes me sad, but I'm happy he's a healthy, growing boy. I love looking at his sweet little face...

Grandmother was here last week, she had a great time hanging out with the boys...

My handsome man was home for the weekend, he started his new job this past Monday. I am so proud of him. Of course he spent a lot of time in the kitchen making yummy food for us.

Moomers and LeeLee enjoying some banana chocolate chip pancakes courtesy of their step dad!

My baby received a gift in the mail! His Uncles D and R sent him a Gandhi! This is what the card said:

Happy Birth to lil G. Here is a little Gandhi to help teach him compassion, justice and snuggling. Congrats to the happy parents too. From Uncles R and D in NYC.

G loved his Gandhi!

We co-sleep (which is why I am not a sobbing, exhausted mess right now) and I love waking up with my little guy and my big guy. I co-slept with my older babies until they were 4 and loved it. This is what I see every morning:

Here is Baby G's completed sushi costume! It turned out great even though I'm not sure he enjoys wearing it. We had a costume party to go to and he wore it there. I'm happy to report he did not poop on it.

Don Draper

2011-10-26T10:07:00.002-05:00

Maybe watching Mad Men every night before bed is a bad idea...last night I dreamt that Don Draper wanted to....spend time with me. ;)

*Sigh*

Brothers!!

2011-10-19T18:13:00.001-05:00

It's hard to get all three of my guys to sit still for long, but here they all are together!

LeeLee, Baby G, Moomers

Sushi Boy!!

2011-10-19T18:12:00.001-05:00

I made Baby G's costume today--I couldn't decide between shrimp or tuna--C likes the shrimp better, but I'm leaning towards tuna. So I haven't ironed either applique down yet so I can make up my mind. I may go and look to see if I have a second white onesie..maybe I'll make both!!

Baby Sushi!!

2011-10-16T20:49:00.003-05:00

I really hadn't planned on dressing Baby G up for Halloween. But, staying home with babies always makes me feel crafty and when I saw this I knew I had to do it. Especially since being pregnant with him meant NO sushi (and spicy tuna rolls are my FAVORITE!!) for 9 whole months.

I could just eat my baby boy up, and it will be extra tempting with him dressed up like yummy sushi! I had everything on hand already except for light and dark pink felt, which I will get tomorrow. I cut out the pieces today and will finish up soon. I'll be sure to post pics!!!

What are YOU dressing up as for Halloween this year?

*From: www.marthastewart.com

How-To

Sushi Baby Costume

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Serve up baby as adorable nigiri sushi for Halloween with this easy-to-make costume from crafter Carolyn Caffelle.

Tools and Materials

Tuna or shrimp template
Iron
Felt (orange or dark pink, cream, black, green, neon green, and light pink)
Fusible adhesive
Scissors
Baby bodysuit or shirt
Card stock
Parchment paper
Embroidery floss (pink and light green)
Hand sewing needles
Hot-glue gun and hot-glue sticks (optional)

Sushi Baby Costume How-To

Download, print, and cut out tuna or shrimp template.
With a hot iron, back desired 9-inch by 12-inch piece of felt (dark pink for tuna or orange for shrimp) with fusible adhesive, following the package directions. Trace template onto paper side of adhesive-backed felt.
With scissors, cut out design, remove paper backing from each cut piece, and position on a 9-inch by 12-inch, fusible-adhesive-backed piece of cream-colored felt.
Using a hot iron, affix sushi pieces to cream colored felt. To prevent the iron from melting or scorching the felt, place a piece of parchment paper over your design before pressing.
Once adhered, use scissors to cut around your design, creating a felt shrimp or tuna applique.
Remove paper backing from applique and again, using a hot iron and piece of parchment paper, affix sushi to bodysuit. (Tip: The double thickness of the felt applique requires more time and pressure to adequately adhere to the body suit. Hold the iron in one place to tack the applique to the bodysuit and then turn the bodysuit over and iron from the other side to affix completely.)
For the nori "belt," cut a 1 1/2-inch strip of fusible-adhesive-backed black felt that is long enough to fit across the front of the bodysuit seam to seam. Affix to costume with hot iron.
For the "grass," fold a 9-inch by 12-inch piece of green felt lengthwise, cut large zigzags across the felt and fringe each zigzag by cutting halfway down every 1/4 of an inch. Cut felt along fold and attach grass to bodysuit along the sides using 1/2-inch wide strips of fusible adhesive.
For the "wasabi," cut a large oval of neon green felt and using a needle threaded with light green embroidery floss, sew a running stitch all along the cut edge.
Once completely stitched, pull on one end of embroidery floss to cinch felt into a small purse and tie off. Stitch (or attach with hot glue) to bodysuit.
For "ginger," cut a 2-inch strip of light pink felt and fold and twist until shape resembles ginger. Stitch folds together with a needle threaded with pink embroidery floss and then stitch (or attach with hot glue) to bodysuit.

Resources

Heat-n-Bond Ultrahold Iron-on Adhesive available fromTherm-o-web Adhesives.
Eco-fi Eco-Felt available from The Kunin Group.

Year One

2011-10-14T14:35:00.001-05:00

Well, it's hard to believe but Monday is my and C's first wedding anniversary. It has been a crazy year for sure. This year has been a very full one and we have seen several of our dreams come true from deciding to buy our house, having our sweet little man and realizing professional goals.

I really can't express how much I love this man and our life together. I really had given up in the romance department before we met and it was a very big surprise to find out that the man I had been searching for my whole life actually existed.

I look forward to spending our anniversary together on Monday and to many more happy years together. I have finally found the person I will grow old with.

Me and Baby G

2011-10-14T13:54:00.001-05:00

Me and little man are on day 2 alone. Both days we slept until around 10:30 am before getting up for the day. Well, *I* got up for the day. G still basically eats, sleeps and poops. But we have gotten in some fun time too. Yesterday we were lucky enough to have two visitors, then we picked up LeeLee and Moomers from school and went to our favorite toy store so they could spend some of the money they have saved.

They got some Mighty Beanz and LeeLee got a Bakugan and Moomers got a Ben 10 guy. I bought them a couple of books, too.

After we left the toy store we went and had dinner at C's restaurant. It overlooks the green belt so after we ate we went and sat on the wooden swings outside and the big boys got to play a bit.

Today is much more mellow. The boys go to their dad's today, and will be gone all weekend. So I don't have to pick them up from school.

That means G and I have pretty much no motivation to leave the house and have had a pretty mellow day. C works all weekend too so I imagine the next few days will pretty much look like this:

My Three Sons

2011-10-14T12:53:00.001-05:00

I had worried that the transition from 2 to 3 kids would be much more difficult. So far, it's been fine. We've fallen into a nice routine where I get to spend lots of time with both my big and my little boys.

When Moomers and LeeLee come home from school we do homework, then they play either outside on the trampoline or upstairs in their art room. I like this time of the day because it's relatively mellow and I love seeing the art that my boys come up with:

LeeLee's art:

Moomers' Art: (I'd have to ask them again what each picture is, but I do remember that this first one is a minotaur with alien feet ;)

After homework is done and lots of playtime has been had, we start the bedtime crunch: dinner, bath, etc. then we get to relax a bit. Baby G has a couch in his room so each night I go up there with all three boys and put the little man down in his crib so I can read stories and practice spelling words with my older boys. I love snuggling up with them reading. They are really into these books, so each night we read a couple of chapters:

Me and my handsome devils:

The boys are also taking their new roles as big brothers very seriously. They can't wait to share all of their boy knowledge with baby G...

LeeLee with his baby brother:

Moomers with his baby brother:

I'm a very lucky mama...

Baking Time!!!

2011-10-14T12:51:00.001-05:00

Baking is one of my favorite thing to do. When I go too long without doing it, I start to go through withdrawals. I had thought it would be a long, long time before I'd get a chance to do it again, what with wrangling 3 kids and all.

But--I was wrong. Baby G sleeps a lot and the boys love home baked yumminess so I was able to make some banana muffins for us and for their teachers (I'm part of the hospitality team for their school ;) and I made some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies too. Of course they are long gone which is ok because I am going to make this over the weekend:

All Good Things Must Come to an End...

2011-10-14T12:50:00.001-05:00

Daddy and Baby G:

I had to pump a bit because my milk production was way too active at first. Here's C giving G some milk--he wasn't too into it, but we'll try again later:

At the end of my pregnancy I was so looking forward to finally having my new baby boy and my husband all to myself. C hadn't taken any time off since starting his job a year and a half ago and so he was taking a two week paternity leave.

We love spending time together, especially when we don't have to do anything but talk and cuddle and share yummy food.

We spent the time staring at our new little boy and making plans for our future as a family of five. C cooked some, I did some baking but mostly we just snuggled and rested. We had both wanted to start watching Mad Men, and so we watched the first season during our time together.

The two weeks were leisurely and mellow, but the days and then weeks passed by very, very quickly. Before I knew it, it was time for C to go back to work. Yesterday was his first day back and it was hard to say goodbye in the morning.

I'm sad that Baby G and I don't have Daddy all to ourselves anymore but I am grateful for the time we got to spend together getting to know our sweet little guy.

Beautiful

2011-10-09T12:32:00.001-05:00

My Sleepy Men

2011-10-08T20:06:00.001-05:00

Baby G on the left....

Daddy on the right...

Blogging

2011-10-08T20:00:00.001-05:00

I'm so glad to be blogging again...I really missed it but every time I tried to start again it just didn't stick. It's crazy that before when I had a reasonable amount of free time I couldn't make it happen but now that I'm literally balancing my computer on my lap and a baby on my chest I am somehow able to do it.

I guess I just have more to share now....

My Starbucks Moment

2011-10-08T17:14:00.001-05:00

The other week my BFF was with a friend and their two daughters, both two years old at Starbucks. The little girls decided they wanted to be big girls and sit at a small table next to their moms. The girls were being silly but nothing too bad or extreme.

A woman at the next table, you know--one of those laptop hoboes who think coffee shops are their living rooms----leaned over and said 'I'm glad the two of you are enjoying your conversation but could you do the rest of us a favor and control your children?"

My friend, however spent about $20 and was going to be there about as many minutes, but embarrassed and uncomfortable they left.

I've been a parent for 6 years now and haven't had many rude encounters with strangers, but the ones I have had definitely stung. I don't expect the world to stop because I had kids but a little human kindness and understanding goes a long way.

I decided last night to take the 3 boys for a walk. I wanted to try out the stroller at the park across from my house. It is a dog park with a big paved walking trail and a little pond in the middle. I like it because the boys can play or ride their bikes and I can keep track of them without having to navigate driveways or cars.

The downside to the park is that a couple of months ago locks with a pass code were installed on the gates. It's a hassle to remember the code and after they put it on I went to the park far less often. I live here and of course am entitled to be at the park but the idea that it was restricted turned me off. We live next to several very nice neighborhoods who have their own amenities and I never noticed the park being overrun with people, so I really don't get it.

So last night I decide to brave the outside world with my three little guys. Moomers and LeeLee were on foot, Baby G was in the stroller. We got to the gate and I fumbled with the combination: was it 5431? 5201? UGH!!! I finally got it and struggled to get the heavy door open so I could push the stroller through. I had just asked the boys to open it for me when I noticed G spitting up a milky river all down the front of his onesie. I was trying to clean him and his seat up and was mildly panicking because he never spits up when I heard a voice:

"HEY! Don't let her out, what's wrong with you?!"

Startled, I glanced up to see a small dog coming towards us. The owner of the dog (and the shitty voice) was a guy I'd never seen before although I did recognize his car as the a-hole who decided the yield sign didn't apply to him the other day as I was driving somewhere with C. I didn't hear him call a dog and didn't see her near us and he completely took me by surprise.

I said: "Your dog is your responsibility, clearly I'm having my own issues here" and HE said: "Yeah, you have issues alright."

Moomers and LeeLee had already scampered off to play near the trail so I looked him dead in the eye and said SCREW YOU.

It felt good. But not good enough to make up for the fact that my first solo mission with all three boys was completely wrecked. I came home almost in tears. I guess it's too soon to go out. *Sigh*

Why We Are Going to Use Cloth Diapers

2011-10-08T17:08:00.001-05:00

This is Moomers with the bag with Baby G's first week of diapers in it. Yikes. We have cloth diapers that we intend to use but I wanted to get settled in first. I tried one of the cloth diapers on him, and it was still a bit too big and rubbed his belly button stump. But still, can you imagine this many diapers each week for 2 or 3 years?

Baby G: Week 2

2011-10-07T17:30:00.000-05:00

Baby G has had a busy life lately....

He has gotten to know his silly big brothers--

And gotten in plenty of sleepy time...

Yesterday was the biggest day yet: we were all a bit stir crazy so C and I decided to take Baby G for lunch. Afterwards we went to see our friends F&O who had a baby girl the day after G was born. It was nice to see our friends! After that we stopped by Whole Foods to get a few things then headed back towards home to pick the boys up from school. It was a full day that wore us all out but the good news is that G LOVES the sling! Yay!!

Nursing Bracelet

2011-10-04T22:49:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine made me this bracelet for breast feeding. The way it works is by moving one of the attached charms to the proper time represented by numbered beads, I can keep track of when G last ate. By moving it from wrist to wrist lets me know which side he nursed from last. I love it!!!

If you don't have a crafty friend, they sell them on Etsy too.

The Labor Bag

2011-10-04T22:32:00.001-05:00

One of my big obsessions at the end of pregnancy was the labor bag. I packed and repacked and bought special stuff and adjusted my toiletry bag a million times.

I enjoyed the process and it scratched part of my nesting itch. I don't regret spending the time or energy on it but I did buy/pack some stuff that I just didn't need and now have no use for. Also, there were a few things I wish I had have packed more of. Here is my labor bag recap:

Things that helped A LOT:

Lip balm. Wow. Do NOT forget this. My lips were so dry from all the breathing I did.

Fuzzy Socks: I wish I had have brought more pairs. Mine got pretty ragged on the hospital floors. I had two pairs but could have used two more.

Toiletries: It is so nice to have luxurious products to use with the first couple of post partum showers. I like to pack things that are aromatherapy-based: minty and/or tea tree shampoo, lavender body wash and moisturizer, rose face cleanser. It's also nice to use products that are different from what you would use daily normally. For me, smelling the products will always remind me of the hospital and while that is not a bad thing, I like to take all different products.

Stuff to Read: I am not a tv person, so having a good book was essential. I wish I had have brought more and a few magazines.

Applying Makeup: I certainly didn't feel like doing this right after birth but the next morning after I showered feeling like I looked like my normal self really helped me feel better. And I actually looked good in a few photos. :)

Comfy, dark-colored clothes: I packed a black nightgown, black yoga pants and a soft black cotton dress. I wish I had have packed more yoga pants and another flowy nightgown or dress.

Sweater: I packed a thin cotton hoodie that I bought while I was pregnant but never got to wear because it was too hot. Hospitals are cold and it was comforting to be in a cozy, soft long sleeve shirt. The pockets came in handy for my lip balm ;)

My pillow: I became ridiculously attached to my pregnancy pillow and used it at the hospital to prop me up on top of the regular ones. I also used it for nursing.

***This is not me, this is some lady from Amazon..

And now...things I just did NOT need:

First aid stuff: Didn't need Depends (the mesh undies they provide are fine) or dermoplast spray (they gave me some) or Tucks (ditto) or pads (they gave me ones the size of a twin mattress) Stool softener (I use it at home but they give it at the hospital)

Essential oils: When did I figure I'd be sniffing these? I could have applied them to my pillow....or just skipped brining altogether.

Too much baby stuff: All he needed was a onesie, some socks and a thin blanket. I had tiny pants, a few outfits, a few hats, mitten things, nail clippers...I could have left most of it at home.

Snacks: The hospital has room service. And it's not terrible. And it's covered by insurance.

Birth Ball: Seriously. This just took up a bunch of space and I didn't even look at it once.

Music: I guess this could have come in handy at some point but....in all the excitement I didn't even think of turning it on.

From the Hospital:

The hospital sent me home with a squirt bottle, a sitz bath and single use cold packs. They all helped immensely, especially the first few days.

The sitz bath was the best in the hospital but it's a bit of a hassle now at home, I've been mostly using the shower head on my stitches, but it really did help the first day or two when they were the most sore.

The squirt bottle I will use until the stitches dissolve, toilet paper snags on my stitches without it...ouch.

I just used the last ice pack today. They didn't have those when I had the boys 6 years ago...they are giant single use chemical pads that snap open and get cold to soothe things down there. I don't need them anymore, but I really did like using them. I would recommend that anyone take advantage of all the stuff they provide because all of it is much more effective than anything available at Walgreens, and I did pay for it with my insurance so why not?

Before and After

2011-10-04T17:05:00.002-05:00

Preggie Tummies Feb-Sept

2011-10-04T17:00:00.002-05:00

Gratitude

2011-10-04T16:26:00.000-05:00

C's parents came for the birth of their first grandbaby. They have always been great with Moomers and LeeLee and treat them like their biological grandsons, but I know they were looking forward to seeing their son's baby enter the world.

They stayed with the boys while we were in the hospital and came to visit us when they were in school. They helped them study for their spelling test, made sure they were clean and fed and taken care of.

During our hospital stay they made sure we didn't freak out too much and helped pass the time until our baby was released.

When I got home I was greeted with flowers and candles everywhere. There were snacks and all of my laundry was clean.

They made sure my prescription was filled and that we had breakfast on the day they left. They did way more than I expected and I am so grateful to be part of such a great family. I'm proud to have made a new person to share with these happy grandparents.

Baby G and PawPaw

Grandmother and Baby G

In love

Home with Baby G

2011-10-04T16:12:00.002-05:00

We got home Saturday afternoon and have just spent the past few days marveling at how much we love this new little guy. C is on paternity leave and we spend our mornings cuddling and sleeping and watching Mad Men.

Baby G nurses like a champ and in between feedings I am able to doze off. C has been amazing at night, changing diapers and swaddling whenever needed. The boys are really into their new roles as big brothers. It's been a crazy journey and I can't believe our luck at how well it all turned out.

Today was his first appointment at the pediatrician and he has gained weight at a really good pace. He was 7 lb. 9oz. at birth and is now 7 lb. 14oz. He was 18 1/4in. at birth and is now 19.5 inches. His head is THIRTY FIVE centimeters. No wonder I have stitches!!!! ;)

Baby and Daddy

Proud Mama

Proud Moomers

Baby G's Hospital Adventure

2011-10-04T10:40:00.001-05:00

After I was comfortable in my room and certain baby G was through being bathed I called the nursery to have him brought to me.

The nurse came to my room instead to tell me that the pediatrician saw that he was breathing quickly and would need to go to NICU to be further evaluated. I was surprised and alarmed--my perfect boy should not be going to the NICU. The doctor came in to explain the problem. He said that there were three possible reasons for labored breathing: TTN, an infection of some sort or pneumonia. He thought it could be just his lungs adjusting to breathing but that he needed to rule out something more serious. He assured me that he took separating a mama and her baby very seriously and would never do it unless there was cause for concern. He said that he would be brought to me for feedings and could come back and forth while they evaluated him. I said ok, my heart heavy.

C was having lunch with his parents when I called to tell him the news. He was as surprised as I was. A bit later the lactation consultant came in to ask me if I wanted to pump while G was gone, to help stimulate my milk production. I said ok and was able to pump out 7ml of colostrum. She gave me a log to record sessions and asked that I pump every two hours. I was certain I would be feeding my baby shortly and wouldn't be pumping, but I agreed.

Once my epidural wore off I went to the NICU to see my boy. The walk hurt my stitches and being around a room full of fragile babies made me sad. My baby looked like a giant in his clear plastic prison. I was surprised to see this:

He was on oxygen and had an IV in his foot and wires everywhere. It killed me to see my baby boy with a tube stuck in his nose. The nurse told me that he was being monitored continuously and that he needed extra oxygen in order to breathe properly. They were giving him antibiotics until they were sure there was no infection and they had sent some blood tests off to the lab. I couldn't believe it. I trudged back to my room. I stayed there with C, trying hard to rest and relax and missing my baby with every fiber of my being. I felt like I was in limbo.

Part of why NICU may have freaked me out: I was premature and had to be in myself for two months. I weighed 2lb. 14oz. and was on oxygen and monitored until I reached 4 lbs. While I'm grateful I survived, I am sad that they first two months of my life were spent with nurses and not my mother.

Anyway....

We were assured the whole time that his life was not in danger, they just needed to rule out anything serious but that did little to ease the fact that I had not seen my baby since I delivered him. Meanwhile I was very well taken care of: friendly nurses, room service, fresh linens, every tiny need filled while my greatest need went unmet. I was told I couldn't breastfeed in case the milk was aspirated into G's lungs, which would be bad. His breathing was still rapid and labored. I longed to hold him.

I walked back and forth over and over again, scrubbed in and saw my baby. I was finally able to hold him. Navigating all the wires and tubes was horrible. I felt helpless.

I pumped 8 bottles, 65ml of colostrum in total. I dutifully logged each one and delivered it to either the nurse's station or the NICU. G had an IV tube that kept his blood sugar stable but he was not getting the perfect food my body was making for him.

After 24 hours of being without him I had a breakdown: I NEEDED my baby and he needed me. I walked as quickly as my stitches would allow to the NICU. I found my least favorite nurse there, at my baby's bedside. She asked if I was staying long enough to hold him and I exploded. I told her as calmly as I could that I felt left out of the decisions regarding his care and had not been updated by a neonatalogist since he was admitted. I told her that I wanted to breastfeed him and if there was no solid reason for him to be there that I wanted him to come back to my room. She went to get the doctor.

I told him the same thing and he explained point by point why they wanted to keep him under observation. He had no fever, no signs of infection but he was still breathing rapidly and they wanted to keep monitoring him. I cried when I told him I had no idea what my baby even smelled like and that being away from me was not going to help his breathing, his body was used to being in sync with mine. He softened and apologized and promised me there would be answers shortly and that he would be released as soon as possible. I was then cleared for breastfeeding.

I nursed him every feeding and had planned to stop around 10:30pm so they could give him my pumped colostrum while I got some much-needed rest. My stitches ached from the many walks to and from the NICU and I was exhausted. By 4:30am he had eaten all of it and I went down to nurse him. I was surprised to see the oxygen tube removed when I got there. I went back for the 7:30am feeding and was told that he was recovered. His IV was gone and the only thing left were the heart rate and breathing monitors. They were waiting for the bacteria culture results and if they were negative he was free to go home with me right away.

We prepared for our discharge: I took a shower, packed up my things and ate breakfast. C took a nap and his parents came by to help us load up. It all happened so fast. We got back for his next feeding and his test was negative. He did have mild jaundice but nothing to delay our departure. We finally got all the wires off of his tiny body and completed everything we needed to leave.

Finally, after being apart and having to summon every ounce of Mama Bear strength I possess to get answers, and get my baby back: we were going home to start our lives together. Do I think his quick recovery would have happened without contact with me and breast milk? No. I knew in my heart that a baby with an almost-perfect Apgar score and a healthy pregnancy and delivery just needed his Mama to get started. I can't cure cancer with my boobs, but I can nurture my child.

**I do not blame the hospital for being cautious and I am grateful for the care we received there. Even though we had a rocky start, I consider my pregnancy, birth and delivery an absolute success. The doctors, nurses and staff all worked very hard to take care of us and I do not want to imply otherwise. It was hard for me to have him apart from me, but I do not think they were wrong in their assessments.

The Birth of Baby G: Part 2

2011-10-03T23:30:00.000-05:00

As I sat on the couch talking to my in-laws I noticed I was having some cramping. I had a cervical check at my appointment that afternoon and I had some bleeding since so I assumed it was from that. I sat through a couple of uncomfortable contractions before saying good night. C joined me and immediately fell asleep.

I had been having painless Braxton Hicks contractions for quite some time and I had been feeling frustrated that they didn't hurt. I told myself to remember that frustration when they finally did start to hurt, because in the moment it's easy to get lost in the pain and not see any positives. Pain=getting closer to meeting my baby boy.

After an hour or so of contractions that were taking my breath away I ran a hot bath. It was amazing how much easier it made the contractions. I woke C up and asked him to start timing them. (There's an app for that ;) When one would come I'd say 'start' or 'now' and when it was done I'd let him know. He started to fall asleep in between and in my state it was making me furious. They were getting closer together and after a couple of hours I would start to cry after a particularly difficult one.

I was tired of being in the bath, but if I got out the pain was unmanageable so I got back in. I started feeling more pressure in my abdomen so I asked C to call the nurse hotline and they told him to take me to the hospital. By that point my contractions were all over the place, but between one and three minutes apart.

I hadn't used my birth ball at all during labor but was determined to bring it to the hospital. But having it in the backseat meant I couldn't recline my seat and there was no way to get comfortable during the 15 minute car ride to the hospital.

The stoplights and storefront signs were absolutely offensive to me, my vision was swimming as we passed green lights and Wal-Mart signs. It was so much harder than being at home in my bath tub. When we got to the hospital we parked and I practically crawled to the elevator, getting on my hands and knees as another contraction knocked me over. We got to L&D and they made me get into a wheelchair. Sitting was excruciating, all of my contractions felt like a hot poker being rammed into my lower back. I didn't feel any of them in the front, like I had with the boys.

I went into a room and the nurse had me get into bed to start my IV. The contractions there were unbearable and I fought every one--loudly. C answered questions while I cursed through my pain. I was so annoyed--I pre-registered online, I didn't understand why we needed to be asked all these questions. It was hideously bright and I asked that the lights be turned down.

Finally I was able to get up and with C pushing on my hips or my lower back and reminding me to breathe and not yell I was able to get through contraction after contraction. I was not the serenely moaning Earth Mama I was hoping to be--I was a screeching banshee. "Harder! OUCH! Not that hard! Don't stop, OUCH! Stop!"

There were a lot of them where I focused and breathed and C had hit just the perfect spot and they came and went more peacefully. I was immensely grateful for everything that he was doing and knew that I could grab his arm or push against him with my body and he was sturdy as a tree and there to take care of me. I felt terrible for yelling at him, and hoped he was coping ok.

At around 5am I finally had the epidural I had ~~asked for~~ demanded. I knew that I would get one at some point--back labor was not in my birth plan and I hadn't slept since 6:30am on Wednesday. I had almost been awake for 24 hours and the pain was stressful for both of us. (and probably the nurse too ;) I wanted to sleep before delivering G and I wanted C to get some rest too. I had worked through almost 6 hours of unbearably hard contractions and felt perfectly fine about getting relief.

Once the epidural took effect I melted into the sheets. The nurse helped me turn on my side and I closed my eyes. C was asleep on the bench next to me. I have no idea if I slept or not but for a couple of hours I was in my brain: skipping through fields of sunflowers, chasing munchkins riding unicorns. I was completely relaxed and couldn't feel a single contraction. The nurse monitored me and G from outside the room and I dozed off to the beeping machines and C's snoring.

My nurse came in to check my dilation: I was at 6cm, I had come in at 4cm. I was happy that things were progressing nicely and after she finished my cervical check my water broke. She told me that the fluid was nice and clear: no meconium, good news.

At 7am there was a shift change and I got a new nurse. My doctor was just coming on duty, his colleague had examined me when I first arrived but I was looking forward to my own ob/gyn delivering baby G. He is amazing and I had a great birth with my boys with him. I would have been very upset to deliver without him, but I knew the whole time that wasn't going to happen.

My new nurse made me feel comfortable with her competent presence. The other nurse was fine and I felt bad that she got me pre-epidural but I was glad when her shift ended. She told me that the other doctor had ordered an amniotic transfusion: they wanted to put fluid back into my uterus because G's head needed cushioned. I said ok and calmly waited to see what that entailed. She checked my cervix and said 'ok, no we aren't doing that. You're at a 9 and we're going to have this baby in about 20 minutes.' My doctor came in then and she told him what was going on. He checked me and said there was a bit of a "lip" and he worked on it for a bit. I woke C up to tell him and he came over to me and held my hand.

The room was still dim and the techs for backup my nurse had requested were busy in another delivery. So it was me, my doctor, his nurse and C. The room was still dim except for a spotlight for the work area. I was told that G's cord was wrapped around his neck and I was going to need to push hard to get him out quickly. I said ok and gave it everything I had. It took about ten minutes and as many pushes to get him out of my body and safe from his cord. It looked for a second that I needed a vacuum assist but I pushed him out before it could take hold.

His body leaving mine was a much different feeling than it was with his brothers. They were long and skinny and kicked out of me like minnows, and G's body was stout and muscular and I could feel that his head was wide in my cervix. Once his head was out I felt his shoulders and body leave in slow motion. No kicks or wiggles, just rotating out of my body. Once he was out, things speeded back up and I heard them suctioning his mouth and nose and saw his slippery body and long cord. He was gorgeous, with a full head of hair the exact color of mine.

Fresh out of the oven....

They put him on my chest, skin to skin and I marveled at this new little person I had been so eager to meet. I was stitched up and then started to nurse baby G. I couldn't believe how quickly I fell in love with my newest little son. I instantly recognized him and he seemed to be exactly who he should be, amazing in every way, the perfect blend of me and his father.

Sweet Baby Man

In all the excitement I realized my in-laws hadn't made it in time: they were stuck in rush hour traffic on my least favorite highway. They got there shortly after he was born, and I got taken to my room while G was getting checked out. He weighed 7 lbs. 9oz. and was 18 1/4 inches long. His Apgar score was a 9. C and his parents came to my room as I was ordering food and getting settled in. They went to go get our bags so we could make ourselves at home in the room that would be ours for the next two days.

The Birth of Baby G: Part 1

2011-10-02T16:58:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday was my 39 week prenatal appointment and I was completely through being pregnant.

I honestly felt like it was getting to be time to have baby G even though according to my last period I wasn't due for another week or so. I had typed in my suspected conception date and it said:

Pregnancy Due Date Calculator

Congratulations! Your baby is due on or around:

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The due date I was given was October 6, but I had a feeling I wouldn't make it to October at all.

That morning while C was sleeping, after I took the boys to school I was trying to go back to sleep when I realized that I was supposed to send a baby picture with Moomers for a class project. I got up and rifled through my pictures, marveling at how tiny and adorable my boys were at birth. They still feel like my babies but I knew that soon they would look gigantic next to their new baby brother. I drove to the elementary school and dropped off the picture to Moomers' classroom.

On the way back through the parking lot I felt a strange shift of consciousness. I know that sounds crazy but everything looked different to me even though I've crossed that parking lot a million times since the boys started school there last year. But that day everything shimmered and held some secret significance. I got a bit teary eyed as I talked to baby G in my tummy. I told him how much I loved him and couldn't wait to see him. I told him about his big brothers and how excited they were. I told him how many people already loved him. I had told them all of these things before, of course but I had a feeling I would be telling him in person sooner rather than later.

So my dismay was evident when, at my appointment my doctor told me he'd see me the following week. I had further dilated from 1-2 to 2-3 but wasn't any more effaced than the week before, I was still at about 50%. He offered to induce the following day but I declined. I was induced with the boys and although I consider my delivery with them really good, I didn't want to be induced again unless it was medically necessary.

After our appointment C and I went to lunch. We had wood fired pizzas and chocolate cake and talked about our situation. There were a few factors in my nervousness about not knowing when I'd go into labor, the biggest being the fact that his parents live 5 hours away and we really wanted them to be able to be here. Another was that the boys were at their dad's house the upcoming weekend and I was hoping not to deliver when they were at his house, I really wanted them to get to meet their brother and not have to just come home to this new situation. Plus, I didn't want for their dad to have to bring them to the hospital to visit. So, after making a pros and cons list and discussing everything we decided to induce. We called C's parents and they were on their way.

All evening I felt alarmingly calm. I was not nervous or worried or afraid. C went back to work and I did things around the house, prepared the boys' things for the rest of the week, checked my labor bag. I picked the boys up and we had a play date with a friend who gave me some things for the baby. Afterwards the boys were too excited to go to bed on time and by the time they were asleep C had gotten home. Right after that his parent's arrived. I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, it was already 11pm and I knew we had a big day ahead of us. I took a bath and changed for bed, then came out to say goodnight to everyone...

The Conception of Baby G

2011-10-02T16:15:00.000-05:00

January, the month we conceived our little man was a funny one. I was supposed to be ovulating the week of January 14. Around the 10th C was struck down by a double ear infection coupled with a nasty case of bronchitis. The only possible date for conception would have been Wednesday January 5th which shouldn't have been possible since I wasn't "supposed" to ovulate until over a week later and it was the last day or so of my period. But, the fact that I had a miscarriage only four months earlier meant that my cycles could have just not been back on track yet.

C was sick for weeks and by the end of the month when he was finally feeling better we decided we were going to go out drinking to celebrate. Moomers and LeeLee were with their dad that weekend and we decided on shots of Maker's at Liberty and dinner at The East Side Kings food trailer.

My period was two days late and I wasn't concerned since January had literally been the least sexual month of our entire relationship. I had an extra pregnancy test floating around, though so a day or two earlier I had put it on the bathroom counter. It was still there that Friday evening because since I was so sure of it's result I had forgotten to take it. I got to C's work around 5 to pick him up. He wasn't finished yet so I sat at the bar and ordered my favorite drink of that winter. The first sip was usually satisfying but for some reason it tasted terrible. Too strong or....just not right. It took me an hour, until C was through working to drink just that one drink.

We got home and started to get ready to go out. As I was getting ready to take a shower I saw the test. I had to pee anyway so I took the test. Before the control line was finished loading the result line showed up a deep shocking blue:

Shocked, I stepped out of the bathroom, pee-sodden stick in hand. C looked up, annoyed: get dressed!
I gave him the news without preamble and he laughed so I tossed the stick to him, splashing pee on him in the process. Stunned, we both got dressed. It was a mild evening so I wore a short plaid flannel skirt with a tank top and boots and we headed to our date spot. We had yummy food and Clint got a Maker's on the rocks. I wanted one too, but knew now that my earlier cocktail tasted bad because our little embryo was not happy to have alcohol inside me.

After we ate we drove to Wal-Mart to buy more tests. I knew it was positive and no amount of time or money spent on tests was going to tell us otherwise. Trudging around Wal-Mart under the fluorescent lights, I suddenly started to feel pregnant.

I was terrified. The miscarriage was one of the worst things I've experienced and afterwards C and I decided that we would not try again to have a baby together. We had the boys to take care of and we were happy with that. Neither one of us was prepared to suffer another lost pregnancy and so we had agreed that by the summer C would get a vasectomy.

I was afraid to be excited about this pregnancy. I felt like there was at least a 50-50 chance that it would not result in the birth of a new baby. It took me until Mother's Day when I found out that I was carrying a little boy to finally allow myself to hope to one day meet my new son, whose name we had finally agreed on.

Butterflies!!

2011-08-29T07:55:00.002-05:00

I woke up today feeling butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't think of any good reason for that, nothing exciting is scheduled for today. I have to go to court for an expired inspection sticker and I have to work--pretty mundane stuff.

But then it hit me: I am REALLY REALLY pregnant. I am 35 weeks this week. I was thinking of work when I woke up, I have to make my schedule for September...I was thinking of all the things I needed to do this month when it hit me that my month is not really in my control. I have 3 or more events around mid-month, the 15th-17th and by that point I'll be full term. I still plan on working but let's see if little G will hang in there!

I tried to blog a bit elsewhere but it just wasn't the same. MSTB is my cyber home and this is where I want to be. I think my reasons for not blogging here are not really all that relevant anymore so I'm hoping to get back to posting here regularly.

To be a twin...

2010-12-12T08:34:00.002-06:00

I used to wish I had a twin sister...

It didn't help that I was addicted to Sweet Valley High books:

I have a lot of twins in my family, but it never occurred to me that I myself would have them. The first couple of years managing twins as a new parent was pretty exhausting, but now when I hear them playing (nicely ;) together I am so happy they have each other. Sometimes they argue, but I can't imagine anything better than to have a best friend, someone who has literally developed along side you your entire life. I hope they can always be close.

Halloween! Step by Step Medusa:

2010-11-05T09:30:00.006-05:00

This year for Halloween I decided to be Medusa. My boys were really big into mythical creatures and I thought it would be fun.

I wasn't sure how to approach the costume. I wanted it to be fun and not too difficult but also super cheap to put together. I decided to skip the historically accurate dress/sandals and not paint my whole face green. I wanted to use things I already had, so the end result ended up being kind of a Medusa-transforming-into-a-snake instead of being full-on grotesque.

The only thing I bought was the wig and a new set of false eyelashes so I spent around $10 total. Luckily I do have boy children so I just used whatever snakes they had laying around their room.

Step 1: Put on foundation and/or concealer, only where needed. Ok, just kidding. After I put on the first of the makeup it reminded me of a quote in one of Kevyn Aucoin's books. He was doing a supermodel's makeup, maybe Cindy Crawford or Kate Moss and the big trend was "natural" makeup, with barely and foundation. He covered her whole face until she basically looked like a set of nostrils with that caption...so yeah. Apply foundation in a shade or two lighter than your natural skintone all over, preferably with a foundation brush. I used this one:

My favorite way to apply it is to mix it with a drop or two of a good serum then paint it onto the skin with a synthetic foundation brush. It blends well and feels good on the skin.

Next, I applied a plain old glue stick right over my brows in two coats (let dry in between coats) to seal my brows. Spirit gum works well too. I have really dark/thick brows so they are hard to cover, but I just wanted to hide my brows as much as possible so I could draw on new ones. I put more foundation, (this time undiluted) on my brows only and blended.

After that, I drew on basic thin brows above my natural brows with a black pencil.

Next up: lips in cherry red, lined outside of the natural lipline and filled in with red glittery lipstick. The next part was fun: I used a pair of fishnets as a template and tapped dark green shadow onto my forehead, cheeks and chin to resemble snake scales.

Next, my eyebrows became snakes by filling them in with dark green liner and adding a red tongue and rhinestone eyes.

The wig, snakes, and false eyelashes finished things up (lashes added after this pic was taken...)

I Love This

2010-11-05T09:07:00.004-05:00

I did not circumcise my boys and I am still stunned when I encounter friends or family that still think circumcision is something that needs to be done.

Everyone has the right to choose what's best for their own family, but I am so happy I didn't let anyone cut off healthy, functioning parts of my children's bodies.

Only one of them has had any irritation of the foreskin, we squirted in some Neosporin and it was gone in a couple of days. I've already taught them how to keep it and have explained to them why they look different from Papa (they noticed and asked me)

Anyway, I love these ladies for all the valuable information they put out there, and I love this video. With the circumcision rates down to about 40%, I'm hoping my boys never encounter ignorant girls who say "ew" when they see their penis. If they do I am hoping that I was able to instill in them the self esteem to walk away knowing that they are fine.

Wordless Wednesday: I Got Married!

2010-11-02T22:46:00.002-05:00

I was pregnant...

2010-10-10T07:51:00.005-05:00

But after 9 weeks I miscarried. It's been about a month now and it still hasn't really sunk in. It's hard to make room for a new life emotionally then have it end suddenly. Our "baby" was in no way viable, but that almost makes it harder.

I got very big, very fast which was strange but almost comforting: I LOOKED so pregnant, that it seemed like everything was ok. I felt really stressed out and tense and my hair started falling out. I knew that these symptoms were not normal but I just felt like if I could just get through the first trimester I'd start to feel fine.

Once I had my first checkup and sonogram it was very clear that something was very wrong and surgery was done immediately. I went from pregnant to not pregnant so fast--it was not an easy thing emotionally or physically.

I've had to have blood drawn weekly since to check my hormone levels...I'm hoping last week was the last time I'll have to go. We aren't allowed to conceive for one year...part of me thinks I've missed my chance to have one more baby.

C and I are getting married soon, which gives me something else to focus on, but the fact that I am no longer pregnant is always present in the back of my mind.

I immediately lost all the initial baby weight so I look like I was never pregnant. I won't be a pregnant, tattooed bride which is the only positive I can think of. C and I planned this pregnancy and weren't too concerned at first with marriage. Now it looks like nature is forcing us to do things in the "proper" order.

Will I have another baby? Part of me thinks no and it's a weird thing to come to terms with. I know it means more time, energy, money, resources, etc. but the irrational hormonal side of me doesn't care about any of those things. I really wanted that baby, to eventually meet the little person we created.

Goals

2010-09-20T13:04:00.003-05:00

1. Earn enough money to:

-Pay off debt (this year)

-Comfortable provide for myself and my family (now)

-Buy a home (within two years)

2. Start saving for:

-Vacations

-Retirement

-College for my boys

3. Continue to learn and grow in my field. (sales)

4. Strive towards balance/find a spiritual path.

5. Do yoga, other exercise. Move daily.

6. Be very involved in my boys' education. Be present and active in their lives.

Work on:

-Manners

-Reading

-Tying shoes

7. Be a good partner and friend. Be patient, loving, and nurturing. Marry my best friend. Try to let go of anger towards ex, regardless of how he acts.

8. Find joy and sanctuary in my home, continue to make it a place of peace and relaxation for all of us.

9. Read more. Learn. Grow. Be positive and happy. Complain and criticize less.

10. Be more confident and self-aware.

Today is My Dad's Birthday

2010-06-21T21:20:00.003-05:00

I miss him every day...but he is especially on my mind during this time of year. He would have been 54 today.

I went out with my dear friend C for our Third Annual Celebration of Jack & Frank. Usually we go out, have a couple of beers maybe light a candle and talk a bit about our Daddies. This year, though was the first year I got D-R-U-N-K.

We had a beer at my house, then each bought a round at the bar. That could have been enough. But it didn't cross my mind to stop, especially with all the fellas buying us beers and passing over bottles of whiskey. I was having a great time and just kept slipping my beer koozie around each one of those fresh, cold beers.

We had only been out about 3 hours when we had the good sense to head home. I don't think I realized just how drunk I was until I found myself sitting in my backyard in one of our camp chairs taking off my boots and jewelry. For some reason when I am really, really drunk I can't wait to get my shoes and rings, etc. off and find them strewn about random places the next day. (I'm glad it didn't rain, those are my favorite cowboy boots!)

I woke up poor C with my drunken antics--I didn't have my keys and would have woken him up anyway stumbling into our bedroom.

I don't remember a lot of what I said to him. I think I was being silly/drunk but not mean or crazy which is a plus. I was sad that I can't dance:

And then somehow started talking about my dad and how much I miss him. I sobbed hysterically until I mercifully passed out.

Whew! I only do things like that about once a year or so--I won't drink that much for a long, long time. But, honestly--we had a blast.

Trying to Find Balance

2010-06-21T20:52:00.005-05:00

Is it ever possible to attain true balance? To have all the balls in the air at the same time without a chance of dropping one? I've started to think that may be it isn't.

After leaving S I was seriously out of whack on all fronts. I didn't have a "real job" until four months afterwards, once the boys were in school and daycare. It took a while for us to adjust to being apart so much, and it took me a while to really learn the ropes at my job.

Once I did it turned out to be the best job ever, perfect for me. I was able to work from my home or "mobile" office, visit accounts where I had built great relationships and do a bit of travel. I worked for a small company, though and was a contractor so it never felt like something I could relax into. The job had lots of stress and pressures and I sometimes felt isolated without true co-workers. My company was based in California and I had regular conference calls but no one that I saw daily in an office or retail setting.

I was promoted twice during the past two months and finally felt at ease. Everything was rolling smoothly and when it wasn't I knew how to fix it quickly.

This comfort allowed me to focus more on my home, personal stuff, my boys...we re-did our home office and added an island to the kitchen which really is my (chef) boyfriend's "home office." We made plans to re-do the boys room, picked out a dining room table and a headboard. I planned the boys' birthday party and chose their present. I started researching Kung-Fu classes, made an appointment to get a new tattoo and was trying to plan a trip to see my family in Arizona.

Then...about a week and a half ago disaster struck. I sat upstairs in my office, laptop and notebook in hand and called into what I thought was an ordinary conference call. It turns out it was the one thing I have been dreading all along: the company was downsizing and my position was being eliminated. I was stunned and devastated.

I've been all around the spectrum of emotions since then and have settled on cold dread. I am worried about my financial obligations and sad about losing all the great things I had hoped to do.

Now I'm in survival mode and scrambling to generate some revenue until I find something permanent. I sent out a bunch of resumes over the past few days and have been emailing and calling old contacts.

I am an eternal optimist so most of me has decided that this is fine, that I'll find something even better. Maybe that pays as well and is also flexible but a job where I have a bit more security, am not a contractor and have benefits. I've missed being a practicing esthetician so maybe I'll go back to that.

We'll see. In the meantime I am trying not to freak out and focus on all the positives in my life, my friends, my family, my great partner and amazing children. My health, my home. The fact that I do have everything I need already.

Things with C have never been better and I am so thankful he is in my life. I'm happy that at least most of my life is still solid. It's like my BFF, K said to me on the phone earlier: "It's always something. If work's going good, something's wrong at home. If everything at home at fine, work is all messed up."

*sigh*

I'll get through this.

Rory Dylan

2010-06-18T15:46:00.002-05:00

Just when I decide I am through having babies my brother and his procreating ways had to come along and give me baby fever. Yesterday I became an aunt for the second time and my adorable nephew got a half- sister when my beautiful, perfect, pink niece, Rory was born.

My boys are almost five and they are at the best age. I am really enjoying this time of their lives. I have always loved being a mama but certain ages are more difficult than others. I know I am more gun-shy because I have twins and so the early years were especially hard for me. I know it would probably be much easier with just one..except then I'd have THREE and really...even though I was raised with two brothers (and have one more on top of that) it really seems like a lot to manage.

Plus, I love being able to give my guys so much attention. I know they would (in time) love a baby brother or sister but most the time my family feels complete.

C and I were online last night and I showed him this picture and he surprised me by saying 'Awww, I want one!' Eek! For now, I'll keep the resisting the temptation. I think it's best that way... Welcome, Rory! I can't wait to hold you and whisper girl-secrets in your ear! :)

My LeeLee with a baby kitty...

2010-05-30T20:52:00.002-05:00

Look at that sweet face!!

Wild Women

2010-05-19T23:08:00.002-05:00

Wild Women Don't Get the Blues

(This score available as ABC, SongWright, PostScript, PNG, or PMW, or a MIDI file)
Pennywhistle notation and Dulcimer tab for this song is also available

Wild Women Don't Get the Blues (Ida Cox)  Well, I hear you women talkin' 'bout your monkey men, About yo' no 'count husbands and their triflin' friends. Peaceful women sit around all day and moan. They're wonderin' why their wanderin' papas don't come home. But wild women don't worry, wild women never get the blues.  Well, if you got a man, don't be on the square, 'Cause if you do, he'll have a woman everywhere. I nevcr have been known to treat no one man right. I keeps 'em workin' hard both the day and night. 'Cause wild women don't worry, wild women never get the blues.  Well, I got a dlsposition, got a way of my own, If you don't like it, baby, you can find another home. I get full of good liquor, walk the streets at night, Come home and puts my man out if he don't do right. 'Cause wild women don't worry, wild women never get the blues.  Well I got a disposition, got a way of my own If you don't like it, baby, you can find another home. i get full of Courvolsier walk the streets at night, Come home and puts my man out if he don't get it up right. 'Cause wild women don't worry, wild women never get the blues.   Well, you never get nothin' by bein' an angel child You better change your ways, and then you'll get real wild. I'm gonna tell you somethin' wouldn't tell you no lie. Wild women are the only kind that really get by. 'Cause wild women don't worry, wild women never get the blues.  spoken: Believe it if you want to. RG

My Life Doesn't Suck

2010-05-19T17:00:00.005-05:00

It's been such a whirlwind of activity since I returned...

I have been exhausted and a little overwhelmed but finally things are beginning to settle down and I'm able to catch my breath.

Every time I leave Austin I get scared that I will be sad to come back, that in my heart I'd rather be somewhere else. I absolutely adore the West coast after living in the Bay Area for so long and was excited and anxious to be back that way again.

Seattle was amazing, like I knew it would be. I loved everything about it and had the best time reconnecting with old friends. But when my plane touched down in Austin I exhaled with relief...I was home.

My flight was delayed and I sat nervously on the shuttle waiting to get home to grab my car and pick up my littles. I raced in, threw down my luggage and raced off to get my precious angel boys. The next morning and again this morning I woke up absolutely exhausted.

Coming back to real life is never fun and I was dreading all the responsibilities I had put on hold while I was gone.

It's been stressful trying to make up for the sleep I lost and get back on track--but the amazing thing is that my life actually is on track and I am so grateful to everyone in it--especially C.

When I got home from Seattle and walked into our house, that C lovingly cleaned for my return I felt so loved. I am so proud of the life I've built for myself, that we've built together and I hate that I get too stressed out to fully enjoy it sometimes.

I got into my car to get the guys and it was sparkling clean--again, a gift from C. And unfamiliar music filled my car--he made me a mix cd. I was alarmed by the first track but each track afterwards was sweeter than the last and it turns out he made it in a hurry and meant to put this song on as the first track:

Another funny thing: one of my favorite bloggers always posts things that are very timely to whatever I am dealing with...it's always comforting to get these little hints that things are going to be just fine.

Tonight I am going to spend time with a good friend and tomorrow I'm going to catch up with a couple of my sweet Mama-friends, hopefully with my man in tow. I'm a lucky girl. Now if I can only stop being a brat and remember this..

Wordless Wednesday: Where My Boys Were While I was in Seattle

2010-05-19T00:00:00.001-05:00

Seattle in Pictures

2010-05-18T15:11:00.007-05:00

I went to Seattle for business on Friday and just returned yesterday. I worked my tail off, but managed to squeeze in some lovely downtime with a few friends. Here are the highlights from my first ever trip to Seattle!

The International District

Cool downtown shop...

Sweet skylights for the underground city...

Cool sign

The perfect spot for a farewell pint with an old friend

Souvenir for C--rare

Seattle in bloom

Gotta have a Manny's! Especially when you are watching people perform karaoke!

Cool poster

My lovely companions

Ethiopian food!!

Amber!

My rental car was almost identical to my real car!

Driving in from the airport

Cool bench--wouldn't fit in my luggage!

See how cute I'd look on it?!

Happy hour!!