Is it ever possible to attain true balance? To have all the balls in the air at the same time without a chance of dropping one? I've started to think that may be it isn't.
After leaving S I was seriously out of whack on all fronts. I didn't have a "real job" until four months afterwards, once the boys were in school and daycare. It took a while for us to adjust to being apart so much, and it took me a while to really learn the ropes at my job.
Once I did it turned out to be the best job ever, perfect for me. I was able to work from my home or "mobile" office, visit accounts where I had built great relationships and do a bit of travel. I worked for a small company, though and was a contractor so it never felt like something I could relax into. The job had lots of stress and pressures and I sometimes felt isolated without true co-workers. My company was based in California and I had regular conference calls but no one that I saw daily in an office or retail setting.
I was promoted twice during the past two months and finally felt at ease. Everything was rolling smoothly and when it wasn't I knew how to fix it quickly.
This comfort allowed me to focus more on my home, personal stuff, my boys...we re-did our home office and added an island to the kitchen which really is my (chef) boyfriend's "home office." We made plans to re-do the boys room, picked out a dining room table and a headboard. I planned the boys' birthday party and chose their present. I started researching Kung-Fu classes, made an appointment to get a new tattoo and was trying to plan a trip to see my
family in Arizona.
Then...about a week and a half ago disaster struck. I sat upstairs in my office, laptop and notebook in hand and called into what I thought was an ordinary conference call. It turns out it was the one thing I have been dreading all along: the company was downsizing and my position was being eliminated. I was stunned and devastated.
I've been all around the spectrum of emotions since then and have settled on cold dread. I am worried about my financial obligations and sad about losing all the great things I had hoped to do.
Now I'm in survival mode and scrambling to generate some revenue until I find something permanent. I sent out a bunch of resumes over the past few days and have been emailing and calling old contacts.
I am an eternal optimist so most of me has decided that this is fine, that I'll find something even better. Maybe that pays as well and is also flexible but a job where I have a bit more security, am not a contractor and have benefits. I've missed being a practicing esthetician so maybe I'll go back to that.
We'll see. In the meantime I am trying not to freak out and focus on all the positives in my life, my friends, my family, my great partner and amazing children. My health, my home. The fact that I do have everything I need already.
Things with C have never been better and I am so thankful he is in my life. I'm happy that at least most of my life is still solid. It's like my BFF, K said to me on the phone earlier: "It's always something. If work's going good, something's wrong at home. If everything at home at fine, work is all messed up."
*sigh*
I'll get through this.
