Monday, June 21, 2010

Today is My Dad's Birthday

Our Home

I miss him every day...but he is especially on my mind during this time of year. He would have been 54 today.

I went out with my dear friend C for our Third Annual Celebration of Jack & Frank. Usually we go out, have a couple of beers maybe light a candle and talk a bit about our Daddies. This year, though was the first year I got D-R-U-N-K.

We had a beer at my house, then each bought a round at the bar. That could have been enough. But it didn't cross my mind to stop, especially with all the fellas buying us beers and passing over bottles of whiskey. I was having a great time and just kept slipping my beer koozie around each one of those fresh, cold beers.

We had only been out about 3 hours when we had the good sense to head home. I don't think I realized just how drunk I was until I found myself sitting in my backyard in one of our camp chairs taking off my boots and jewelry. For some reason when I am really, really drunk I can't wait to get my shoes and rings, etc. off and find them strewn about random places the next day. (I'm glad it didn't rain, those are my favorite cowboy boots!)

I woke up poor C with my drunken antics--I didn't have my keys and would have woken him up anyway stumbling into our bedroom.

I don't remember a lot of what I said to him. I think I was being silly/drunk but not mean or crazy which is a plus. I was sad that I can't dance:

And then somehow started talking about my dad and how much I miss him. I sobbed hysterically until I mercifully passed out.

Whew! I only do things like that about once a year or so--I won't drink that much for a long, long time. But, honestly--we had a blast.

Trying to Find Balance


Is it ever possible to attain true balance? To have all the balls in the air at the same time without a chance of dropping one? I've started to think that may be it isn't.

After leaving S I was seriously out of whack on all fronts. I didn't have a "real job" until four months afterwards, once the boys were in school and daycare. It took a while for us to adjust to being apart so much, and it took me a while to really learn the ropes at my job.

Once I did it turned out to be the best job ever, perfect for me. I was able to work from my home or "mobile" office, visit accounts where I had built great relationships and do a bit of travel. I worked for a small company, though and was a contractor so it never felt like something I could relax into. The job had lots of stress and pressures and I sometimes felt isolated without true co-workers. My company was based in California and I had regular conference calls but no one that I saw daily in an office or retail setting.

I was promoted twice during the past two months and finally felt at ease. Everything was rolling smoothly and when it wasn't I knew how to fix it quickly.

This comfort allowed me to focus more on my home, personal stuff, my boys...we re-did our home office and added an island to the kitchen which really is my (chef) boyfriend's "home office." We made plans to re-do the boys room, picked out a dining room table and a headboard. I planned the boys' birthday party and chose their present. I started researching Kung-Fu classes, made an appointment to get a new tattoo and was trying to plan a trip to see my family in Arizona.

Then...about a week and a half ago disaster struck. I sat upstairs in my office, laptop and notebook in hand and called into what I thought was an ordinary conference call. It turns out it was the one thing I have been dreading all along: the company was downsizing and my position was being eliminated. I was stunned and devastated.

I've been all around the spectrum of emotions since then and have settled on cold dread. I am worried about my financial obligations and sad about losing all the great things I had hoped to do.

Now I'm in survival mode and scrambling to generate some revenue until I find something permanent. I sent out a bunch of resumes over the past few days and have been emailing and calling old contacts.

I am an eternal optimist so most of me has decided that this is fine, that I'll find something even better. Maybe that pays as well and is also flexible but a job where I have a bit more security, am not a contractor and have benefits. I've missed being a practicing esthetician so maybe I'll go back to that.

We'll see. In the meantime I am trying not to freak out and focus on all the positives in my life, my friends, my family, my great partner and amazing children. My health, my home. The fact that I do have everything I need already.

Things with C have never been better and I am so thankful he is in my life. I'm happy that at least most of my life is still solid. It's like my BFF, K said to me on the phone earlier: "It's always something. If work's going good, something's wrong at home. If everything at home at fine, work is all messed up."


I'll get through this.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Rory Dylan