Halloween!

I'm going to be a zombie this year. I have the boys and they are really into scary stuff/monsters/zombies, etc. so I am going to oblige them by becoming one of the undead.

Next year S will probably have them and I will plan on going to a party of some sort and want to be Strawberry Shortcake.

I have all year to find the perfect, not-too-slutty dress to wear. I loved SS as a kid and would not want to tart her all up.

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Grateful

I know life is short and precious...

I can't imagine life without my little boys--they are everything to me...

I love all my friends and family--so much. I get caught up in stress and sadness and day to day bullshit but--I know this is the time of my life I will remember forever.

Sad

I am feeling almost unbearably sad right now. I keep looking for the reason: stress, hormones, this nagging cough that won't go away...but I guess the real reason is the fact that Friday is the 14th anniversary of my dad's death. And it just doesn't get any easier. I would almost say that it's getting worse because there are just more and more things that are happening that he won't get to be a part of.

My brother, Bubba is getting married in less than two weeks. My mom, youngest brother and his girlfriend are driving out to be here for it. My oldest brother is performing the ceremony. It's the first time in 9 years all four of us have been together. (since my oldest brother's wedding)

My family is very important to me, but I don't see any of them often enough. Only when our lives are brought together by joyous events (rare) or tragedies (most often)

I keep feeling like if I can find a solid reason for my sadness then I can just turn it off and move forward, away from it. But part of me thinks I just just sink down into it for a bit. I don't know why I am always trying to always be so in control of my emotions all the time. Maybe because I have kids and I think that I have to hold it all together for them...

There's Beauty in the Breakdown..

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I am so tired. I feel like I have so much stress and pressure in my life and no way to relieve it. It's hard being the only one in charge of so much responsibility.

I am trying to do a good job at work, with my boys, take care of my house, cook and clean up, pay bills, get gas...the list goes on and on. I always go to sleep feeling like there is something I forgot to do, someone I forgot to call back...

I don't know what I need--an assistant, a maid, a nanny, a million dollars?

It's hard enough when everything goes according to schedule, but tonight the boys are fighting bedtime. I think they would rather be with me... They crawled into bed with me last night around midnight. I scooted over to make room for them and fell into a deep sleep. I was awakened several hours later when I put my hand on a cold, damp puddle--LeeLee had wet the bed, a first for him. I wanted desperately to roll back over and go back to sleep but I had to get up and deal with it.

I woke up still tired, thinking about the fact that I have a gas dryer that is not hooked up and since the weather has been rainy my usual line-drying could not happen. The thought of rounding up some quarters to take it to the ghetto laundromat made me want to cry.

I ended up putting my laundry on the line, hoping it would somehow get dry in the damp, misty air. It didn't. I'm sitting on a bed with no sheets at 9pm, with a kitchen full of dirty dishes and a refrigerator full of spoiled leftovers and no actual food.

I need to mop. I need a shower. I am working right after I drop the boys off at school tomorrow. I have bills to pay...I am navigating the terms of my divorce. It's all too much right now. I was sick and tired of the hot Texas summer but this weather is not helping my gloomy mood.

I have a ton to do to prepare for my workday tomorrow. The fact that I do a huge chunk of my work in my pajamas after I drop the boys off at school doesn't help me...on the days I am 'out in the field' I have to seriously gear up. This will change once I have all my accounts locked down but until then....

*sigh*

I'm just venting....I'm sure things will look better tomorrow or blah blah blah whatever...I just need to feel sorry for myself right now...

On the plus side, it seems that the boys may have finally settled down in the other room. (knock on wood..)

Ex Stress

At the end of my marriage, it got to the point where I was happy with everything in my life--except for my relationship with S.

I left to build a new life for myself and the boys and I am happy--except for when I have to deal with S. It's the same b.s, it never changes with him.

He wants to make me miserable because he is so unhappy. He continues to blame me for his disappointments instead of taking a long look at his life and choices and behavior.

I am so sick of having to feel stressed out, coerced, bullied, controlled and pressured. I hate having every day ruined by his barrage of emails, texts and phone calls.

Crystal & Bobbyfinger

My boys have imaginary friends. These "friends" are not dogs, little boys, ghosts or pirates. They are girls. Ladies, to be exact. My boys have imaginary girlfriends.

They seem to form crushes on girls about 16 and older and they have both told me, impatiently that girls in their classes are "little girls" and they prefer "big girls only." Um, ok.

They used to both have feelings for real people, teenaged girls in our neighborhood. LeeLee loved Laurie and Moomers was into Delany. Both of these girls were adorable: cute and cheerful blonds.

But slowly their ardor for these girls cooled and they informed me that they had new girlfriends: Crystal (Moomers) and....um: Bobbyfinger. (LeeLee) I had NO IDEA where they came up with these names or what these imaginary girls looked like. Moomers told me a few times that Crystal has "black hair" while LeeLee goes back and forth between red, "yellow" and black.

I find all of this totally amusing but don't try to encourage or discourage it. I just listen when they want to tell me about Crystal and Bobbyfinger and their various hijinks:

'Mama--I go on a date with Crystal. She picked me up, I rode in the back in my carseat. She drives. She's a big girl. We had Mexican food, went to HEB (the grocery store) and saw rock and roll music. Then I give her a kiss and say: "I love you, Crystal, take me to Mama's house."

LeeLee's dates follow a similar pattern. Sometimes they ask me to call them on the phone and so I do and they say 'hi Bobbyfinger [Crystal], love you bye' because they are men of few words.

I finally found out where the name Crystal came from:

But I still have NO IDEA where LeeLee go...BOBBYFINGER?? He's a silly boy...

*photo from www.thesuperficial.com

So yesterday I was wasting time on useless bullshit celebrity gossip sites hanging out with my boys when I came across this article about Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman. Moomers saw their picture said: CRYSTAL AND BOBBYFINGER!!!!

He pointed to Mila and said: Crystal! And LeeLee came over and pointed to Natalie: Bobbyfinger!

I'm just thankful that a) they didn't like the same girl b) they have such good taste. I couldn't be prouder or more amused by my little romantics...

Because he's not here with me...

Halloween Doodle Embroidery

*picture from www.craftzine.com

My friend, Vickie has adorable (free!) baby embroidery patterns up on Craftzine right now! Check it out and get to stichin'...you still have time!!

This project makes me want to come out of crafty hiatus to make a few shirts for MY little goblins!

Adventures in Co-Parenting

So I agreed to go to therapy with S, the ex. He had asked before and I said no, but then decided to go after talking with Moomer's teacher and counselor. They were concerned because he brings them to school late or not at all when he has them during the week and they thought it might be helpful to talk about ways we can get on the same page with the co-parenting thing and have smoother transitions.

I told him the night before our appointment that I did NOT want to talk about:

1. Our marriage

2. Our divorce

3. Who was the wronged party in these situations

4. My new relationship

Well, those things were the ONLY things he seemed interested in talking about. From the moment he arrived he was sullen and hostile. He had the gloves on before he even walking in the door. I vowed to stay calm and not let him get to me but it was the longest, most excruciating hour of my life.

He basically said that since I left him he doesn't want to be inconvenienced in any way by me or my life. He doesn't want to have to buy clothes for the boys to have at his house, he doesn't want to pick them up from or take them to school ever, I should get a different job that has a more convenient schedule for him...the list goes on and on.

He said "f*ck" every other word and raised his voice several times. He kept bringing up my relationship with C, which is completely irrelevant to our co-parenting. He just basically wants to make my free time as minimal as possible to ensure that my relationship fails. He is bitter that I found someone who cares about me and is mad that I seem to be happy.

It's all still just about ways he can still control me. He forgot to mention that he met someone too...and that I NEVER ask when/where/how, etc. and even took one of his nights so he could go on a date. If memory serves, he didn't have a date, he was just trying to upset me. But still, I took the boys on that night thinking it was because he had a date. And I was totally fine with it.

His therapist suggested a parenting/co-parenting class that we should take (separately) and he flatly refused. In fact, every suggestion she made he shot down.

He basically wanted an audience while he belittled and insulted me.

As hard as it's been and will continue to be...I am so grateful that I found the strength to leave that marriage. Thank you to everyone who helped me through that terrible time. So many of my blog readers reached out to me when I needed support and I am eternally grateful...

Halloween Flashback....

Creepy & tasty food ideas....I posted this last year and...well, I don't think I'll find anything cooler this year so let's go buy some proscuitto and get busy!

Pictures of You...

This is the only picture of C and me in existence. It was taken at a party semi-early on in our relationship. I hate it because I am clutching his arm in a creepy way, but I like the happy look on his face.

I have no idea how to take pictures of us together without being totally cheesy and weird...'baby..self portrait time again!!!' I usually have no problems being cheesy but.....still haven't worked this one out. ;)

What I made for dinner tonight...

*photo courtesy of www.retroland.com

in a kind of half-assed way. (I barely read the recipe and was missing a few ingredients so I just winged it) The boys were disappointed because they thought it was chicken. I thought it was ok...but not great because I was tired and not really in the mood to cook. I'll try it again another time when I have more energy....

Breakfast in Bed

When C and I first met we chatted online every night for hours--just listening to music and getting to know each other.

I was feeling sad because I didn't save my playlist from that time, but luckily he made a widget with a few of the songs on it:

This playlist is just a small part of what we listened to together then, all great songs that seem to make a good foundation for a relationship.

'Breakfast in Bed' is a good one: I never thought I would meet someone who was as fond as napping as I am...I was wrong. ;)

Craft Flashback

Last year I wrote an article for Snippets magazine about how to make an "Eco-Skeleton" out of recycled milk jugs. It was a fun project and it's about that time of year again! Go here to see how to make your very own spooky friend...

Sexual Yoga

I realized today that I've been craving something outside of myself. I could feel that I was becoming neurotic, needy, narcissistic. Sure, I have traces of those qualities floating around in the core of my being but it was feeling like they were looming large.

I decided that I needed to go to yoga: asap.

I hate feeling like I'm in my head too much. I hate overthinking things. I hate going around in circles mentally while losing site of the important things in my life. I hate fragmenting my energy-- because when I truly focus I can really get shit done. (after class I did all kinds of work stuff and really made a lot of headway on some things that had been kind of slow-moving before)

Lately I have been floating around, spinning my wheels and feeling more and more anxious. Today I knew that I needed to pay attention to my creaky, ignored body. Going to yoga never fails to renew my sense of focus and purpose and make me feel connected . My favorite teacher calls it being 'in the flow of grace' and that is exactly what it feels like. Flowing, being open to great things , feeling strong and powerful and having a sense of meaning and purpose within my life.

Floating by is fun and dreamy, but it's scary to take a look around at all of my responsibilities and feel like I'm coming up short.

It's easy to float in a new relationship. I am completely serene and happy and in sync with my man and that feels amazing. I realize that I start to use physical contact with him as a way to connect with my body and with something more powerful than myself. I think that is a good thing in a lot of ways, being affectionate helps us become emotionally closer--but I need to know that I can feel whole on my own.

When I am not exercising and just kind of getting by, it's easy to feel splintered off, fractured, disconnected. Today I realized that I HAVE to take better care of myself physically. I can't rely on outside factors help me feel alive.

I have to get it together. Not only for myself but also for my boys and for my relationship. I know that it doesn't feel good when someone leans too heavily on you and I would never want to do that to C. I need him to see/know that I am coming to the table as a strong and equal partner who is not going to suck him dry emotionally.

I don't necessarily think I have been doing that, but I want to be in tune with myself to know when something isn't right and needs to be looked at. I had been feeling very 'off' and unbalanced. I have spent a lot of time with C lately which I'm happy about--we get along great and are really moving forward in a positive direction--but I felt like I needed to regroup, even if just for an hour or so. I left feeling so renewed and happy and calm and he was the first person I thought of after the class was over.

I think sometimes I look down the road a bit and fantasize about how things will be later in our relationship and I don't want to do that--I want to be free to enjoy where we are at right at this moment because it's pretty incredible.

My yoga teacher today was talking about the feeling you get from yoga and how it's similar to the "high" you get doing a lot of things you enjoy: running (ha!) gardening (um, not really) etc. But all I could think of that was comparable was sex. I have always been a little flighty and that is the one thing that makes me feel calm and centered and whole. I need to cultivate that feeling a little more through other activities so I don't feel like I have to rely on someone else--even though feeling free to give and receive love from another person is a beautiful and amazing thing:

I go to yoga for a lot of reasons but the spiritual aspect is very important to me. The feelings of spiritual connectedness I get from yoga are intense yet vague. My views on "religion" and philosophy and spirituality have always been hard for me to articulate, but it's the closest I've come to feeling in touch with a 'higher being.'

I have always been curious about and drawn to Eastern philosophy and religions because my father was interested in them. There is a beautiful Hindu temple here that I would love to visit. Meditation and yoga is really helpful for me to focus and center and get away from all the chatter that goes on in my head. I would like to perhaps expand those practices to include more study and research into the spiritual. I've been pretty sporadic so far (like a lot of things in my life) when trying to nail down a belief system and I feel ready to explore a little more seriously.

Is there an event or time period in your life when you felt you needed to be more spiritually grounded?

I missed you

I haven't blogged in two months and I haven't blogged regularly in forever. When I started this blog it was to chronicle my life as a stay at home mom to my amazing 18 month old twin boys. Then I added in some baking/home cooking stuff and some crafting.

I've met some amazing people through this blog and I know for a fact that blogging helped me to come to terms with my failed marriage and crumbling life. My ex-husband thinks that it was my blogging, crafting and friends that destroyed our marriage. This is not true. The truth is, I had been very unhappy for a long time and had no idea how to get out of the situation I had found myself in.

I know that I made the right decision in leaving and even though it's been very hard at times, I wouldn't change anything. My life now is completely different than it was when I started this blog. I'm hoping that I will be coming from a more honest place when I write now.

Before I left my marriage I tried hard to project an image of a happy family. Or at least a family trying to be happy. I didn't want to use this blog as a forum to air our dirty laundry and I don't want to do that now. Suffice it to say that our co-parenting relationship now is as tense if not more so than our marriage was. There are some times that are better than others but...for the most part it's a challenge.

I feel a little rusty in my writing so please bear with me, ya'll until I find my voice again. I am also unsure of how much/what to write about. I could tell you about the fact that I am in a new relationship with an amazing man who is absolutely perfect for me...but I'm not sure how much he wants me to write about him publicly yet. I could tell you that I got a promotion at work and am now the Texas account manager for two great organic lines: one skin, one hair. I could tell you that my boys are in Pre-K now and still amaze me every day with how beautiful and special they are. I could mention that I got a new car--the newest I've ever owned. I also have a new computer--the raddest thing ever..and it's little sister...the second raddest thing ever.

I could also tell you that my ex-husband thinks I am a materialistic piece of shit for buying these things but that for the first time in 8 years I am able to make my own decisions, good and bad and I don't care what he thinks.

Soo....there we have it. I have missed writing and having this space as an outlet and a social network. I know I lost all of the readers I worked so hard to establish, but I hope that at some point MSTB will be re-established. Thanks to anyone who is reading this...