I Have Nerves That Jingle Jangle Jingle

*The above picture has nothing to do with my blog entry, but it's totally something I worry about, which is why I don't use my kid's real names in the posts I write about them. From www.nataliedee.com

I am an emotional wreck lately! Very moody and easily ruffled. Yesterday I had ZERO patience with my boys and felt very guilty about it. I completely lost my temper with them while I was reading their second bedtime story: they started fighting (with me laying in between them) and I asked them to stop and instead they amped it up. I ended up getting hurt and was so furious that I threw the book across the room and snapped the light off. I felt bad but was still angry. Luckily they fell asleep ten minutes later and I was able to have some alone time with S.

This morning I was trying to get ready for a play date with one of my Mama-friends and could hear the boys destroying something in one of the back rooms. I could feel my blood pressure rising as I packed snacks. I finished the sandwich I was making and went to see what they were up to: they were pulling books off of my shelf including my entire collection of 60's pulp fiction paperbacks.

I took them to their room to get dressed and as usual it was a nightmare: no, I don't want to wear THOSE underwear, no I don't want to wear THAT shirt, my pants are owie-ing me! Ugh!
I wanted to scream: "I"m trying to take you somewhere FUN you little ingrates!"

I asked Moomers to "get nudies" so I could get him dressed. He unzipped his footie jammies and cried. I pulled him towards me to finish undressing him and he kept crying. I said 'you CAN'T wear jammies all day!' then looked down to find that his penis was caught in the zipper. I felt my vision blur and time stand still--I came VERY close to passing out.

I sat there, the scene from "There's Something About Mary" playing in my head. I was two seconds away from scooping him up and putting him in the car to go to the emergency room when he reached down and yanked himself free of the zipper. I yelped but he just sniffed once and said 'All better, Mama.' I was afraid to look but there was just one tiny cut on the underside of his little winky. I squirted some Neosporin on it then honored his requests to wear a diaper and his jammies. I put on shorts, a t-shirt and his red cowboy boots over them and called it a day.

Since I wear leggings and cowboy boots every day they want to wear jammies and cowboy boots too. They see no distinction and honestly, there isn't one.

I had finally got them into the car when S came home for lunch. He was amused by the state I was in--until he heard the penis story. WHAT?! He said..um, yeah. It's been a long morning.

So we went to the local playnasium (what a dumb word!) and began Operation Tire My Twins Out. They hopped into their favorite bouncy pirate ship and made me climb in with them. There was a dad in there with his three year old, Ryan and the boys instantly becamed BFF's with him. That left me and the dad to make small talk, which we did.

My friend was in and out with her kids and when I told the boys it was snack time the dad and his boy came too. We hung out with them for hours and chatted the whole time. I went down the big slide holding hands with his boy (per Ryan's request) over and over and he and the boys were a pre-schooler blur racing around the place.

At the end of our visit I sat down in a chair next to my friend so we could chat while she nursed her new baby. The boys were off with their friend but in between bouncy castles they caught sight of the nursing that was going on and thought that seemed like a capital idea. I demurred but they were borderline hysterical with exhaustion and so I reluctantly pulled them onto my lap to nurse. I arranged everything to be all nice and discreet, so much so that I don't think the dad noticed--at first. His son raced up to check out the action and seemed puzzled. What were they doing??

His dad said 'they're resting, let's go jump over here' and they walked away. The boys stopped immediately once they realized their friend was somewhere else. They ran around yelling 'Ryan? Ryan!' I looked around and it became obvious that they had left.

Everyone was kind of talking about wrapping it up anyway but I still have a lingering feeling of bummed-out-edness that they just left without saying bye to the boys. They really liked him! They live far from us so it's doubtful that we were going to become "real" friends but I had no idea what the dad's name even was and we had spent hours with them!

I try not to nurse the boys in public and I was dismayed that my 'dirty secret' was exposed. I guess I should chalk it up to the fact that guys can be socially inept and forget about it but I can't help but feel like he went home and said to his wife: "Then she just NURSED her THREE year olds right there! Gross! So I left!" I know I'm being irrational but that's my whole point: I'm an emotional wreck right now. And I can't even blame PMS!

I'm going to yoga tomorrow and I made plans to go get some exercise on the hike and bike trails next week so I think that will make me feel better. I guess being cooped up in the house during the inclement weather has been bad for me.

Time for the evening cleaning scramble: Papa will be home in an hour or so and since I've been gone all day there are still breakfast dishes and crumbs everywhere.

Happy Friday!

Sparkle and Shine

I've been feeling very lethargic lately. Normally when S and I are not getting along I blame all of my flagging energy on our relationship struggles. We've both been working extra hard to get along and strengthen our marriage lately so I was surprised to find this week to be a huge challenge.

I feel sluggish, my skin is feeling yucky and I weigh 5-7 pounds more than I'm comfortable with. My exercise level isn't very high--I guess you could say I don't feel very alive. I was listening to the radio today and this song came on:



I thought to myself: "I wish this song was written for me!" Right after I had that thought I realized that although I do when I'm at my best, right now I don't feel very sparkly or shiny.

I feel cold and cranky and easily aggravated. I need to make some changes. I couldn't think of what I needed to do until I read this article and looked at the before and after pictures. The "after" people are definitely sparkly and shiny. The before's are bloated and have grayish blemished skin. I've never been inclined to jump on the raw food bandwagon but now I see plenty of reasons to incorporate some of the principles into my diet.

The other day S said he feels like he's eating a too high-fat diet and my first impulse was to take offense but then I uploaded my pictures and found this:

The dinner I made a couple of nights ago: cheese, spinach and sausage quiche...

The crust was nothing but white flour and two sticks of butter...damn, it was tasty. But how do I feel now? Yucky, frumpy, tired and cranky--there could be a connection! And guess who was at the store yesterday buying not one but TWO bags of white flour? That would be me.

How yummy does this look? On a cold and dreary night it really did hit the spot. But the problem? I eat like this all the time right now...

The only thing helping me feel cute today is a shirt I just received in the mail.


It is soft and thin and very flattering to the part of me that doesn't gain weight: my upper body.


It is flowy and skims over my tricky spots: tummy, hips and upper thighs. It looks awesome with leggings and cowboy boots, making me feel comfortable but sassy and dare I say...sparkly?

I'm going to wear it when I take my lethargic ass to yoga on Saturday. As much as I want to race to the kitchen and bake something I will resist and go for a walk instead.

Congratulations, Belle!

I am so proud of my crafty mama friend, Belle! Her barrette tutorial is in the latest issue of Craft! (issue #10) This is a great magazine and her barrettes are so cute...if you are too lazy to make some, contact her through her blog, I'm sure she'll whip you up some!

Congratulations, Mama! I can't wait to see your tutorial in print!

Crafty Chickens...Photos from the weekend and today

This weekend was really nice. Cold as all get-out but we were nice and cozy all weekend. On Friday we decided to go grocery shopping in the late-ish evening and Saturday we puttered around all day.

I had plans to have tapas with an old friend from Berkeley who now lives in San Antonio so I got dressed and prepared to brave the elements. I knew I would be cold in my sleeveless dress and thin short sleeved sweater so I threw on a shrug that I made from a wrap pattern a couple of years ago. It was fun to knit but I can't work up the nerve to wear it. I marched out of my room in my ensemble and S stopped dead in his tracks. 'Honey...you look...uh, nice' He said.

I asked what the hesitation was and he said everything was great but the shrug took my outfit right into crazy town. I wore it anyway but left it in the car and ran from the parking garage to the restaurant.

My friend was set to arrive after me so I went across the street to my brother in law's restaurant to say hi but he wasn't there. So I had to race back into the cold. Before too long, though I was settled into a cozy seat with a large glass of sangria to keep me company until my friend arrived. We ate and ate and drank and ate some more. It was fun and nice to get out as "Just Jen" not frumptastic Mama.

Next stop...Crazytown!!

I arrived a few hours later to a house that was calm except for the sounds of Power Rangers and Comedy Central. I was happy to see my guys after a some time away.

This is what I found upon my arrival:

"Hey look, LeeLee, our underwear is the perfect spot to store weapons! Watch, you tuck it in your waistband then make your scariest face...arghhh!"


"Ok, let me try it out..."

I spent a good chunk of my weekend knitting which was great.


I've been on a crafty hiatus since before Christmas. I was wondering if I'd ever get my mojo back. I'm taking baby steps but it's sure been nice to pick up my knitting needles again. I stuck to tiny, satisfying projects and was very pleased with the results.







Here are my finished slippers. They were super easy and knitted up quickly

Now the secret is out...my second toe is way longer than my first!

S got busy improving our chicken-girls' coop, here is a little door to collect the eggs

He made little egg-shaped doors for them to get into their little chicken apartment

I think they really appreciated the improvements...there were THREE eggs in the nest this morning. This is important because so far only two of our girls were laying. Puppy for sure and maybe Pillow. We don't know who layed the third egg. There was a ginormous pale brown egg, a large dark brown egg and a smallish dark brown egg. It really made my day to see them all there waiting for me.


S's chicken craftiness inspired me--I made an earring out of one of Pillow or Puppy's feathers. I looked around for a second one but it was foggy and rainy today so I didn't have much luck.

Cute, no? Don't look too closely at my menstrual breakouts...

All the eco-celebrities are lining up to try on my chicken earring!

Our pal Burger came over and really wanted to check out the chickens. It was rainy and us mamas didn't really want to go out there. But Papa came home for lunch and all the boys got to go and chase the girls around the yard for a bit.


The little guys watch The Brave Little Toaster...

Happy 30th Birthday, Uncle Peter!

*Uncle Pete and Moomers being silly on Thanksgiving...


*Presents for Pete

Today is my brother in law's birthday! (coincidentally it is also my pal, Chas's BIL's birthday, too)

My in-laws are having cake past the boys' bedtime but I think S is going to go and wish him a happy birthday. Today I burned him a cd and my Moomers decorated the envelope.

The yellow thing is an info tube, you know those things they put real estate fliers in on the lawns of homes for sale. I can't recall the specifics but for some reason Pete hates these things and somehow S came across one a couple of years ago and has been hanging onto it to give it to Pete as a joke. I pulled it out today because I thought it would be funny and frankly, I'm kind of sick of looking at it! I think S is actually going to miss it!

Happy Birthday, Peter, I hope it was a good one!

The Secret to Being Insanely Creative

I loved this article...I am keeping it bookmarked to reread often. Very inspirational and it fits nicely with my new positive outlook. I feel like since I took the bitter glasses off my eyes, I don't filter the world through frustration and anger as much. It seems now that I am open to receiving positive messages they come almost every day...yay!!

New Things

I decided to start using a sticker chart to help give the boys some positive reinforcement and a way to earn special treats. So far it's working really well. They get stickers for listening, for completing their breakfast nicely, for getting dressed without being asked, things like that. The look of pride on their little faces when they earn a sticker is so sweet. The only downside: LeeLee turned his Transformer from a robot to a car and said: "sticker now?" Um, no.

Another new thing I've discovered is...belly dancing! It's always kind of been on my radar as something I'd like to try but never really have. A few months ago I bought a random video from the library for a dollar.

I decided to give it a try and it was surprisingly fun. It was only 30 minutes long but I woke up with pleasantly sore abs and arms. That day I went to yoga for the first time all month and was able to do almost all of the (pretty intense) postures. I left feeling invigorated and happy.

I ordered more belly dance dvd's on Amazon with a gift certificate I received from my MIL for Christmas.

Exercise, especially when it helps me tap into my spiritual side really helps improve my outlook. Yesterday I took a long walk with the boys, the weather has been great. Today is my favorite kind of day--warm, breezy and softly humid.

The boys are glued to the tv watching Yo Gabba Gabba otherwise I'd do my belly dance tape again...

The Knitters

I have not picked up my knitting needles all month but a few things are making me crave the feeling of yarn between my fingers. First is my adorable new necklace (that matches the earrings that my pal, J gave me for my birthday) Jealous? Don't be--just go here and get your own. Come on , show some knitting pride!



Next is this nifty gadget. I really, really want one of those! The last thing that is begging me to knit is this pattern for slippers. All of mine are super tired and these are cute and easy. Ok, I'm convinced--time to get knittin'! (it doesn't hurt that my birthday just keeps on giving--I received a gift card to Michaels from my pal Cass yesterday, I'm pretty bored with my stash so it came just in time)

My Anniversary

I didn't make a cake for S's birthday this month so I was really excited to make a yummy cake for our anniversary. I decided to make a chocolate mayonnaise cake because I read that it is so rich you don't have to frost it, just dust it with confectioners sugar or cocoa powder.

I had been in the kitchen all day because I was making sourdough bread. I started my cake later than I wanted to because of that--it would not be arranged on a platter with lit candles, like I had planned.

I had just enough time to finish the pasta I was making and race to my room to throw on some earrings and lipstick to greet S.



Right after he got home I peeked in at my cake and it was apparent that it was NOT going to be my finest work.

I was annoyed and cranky but touched by the chocolate and single rose he offered as he entered the kitchen.

My cake didn't cook in the middle until the edges were crispy and it caved in.


When I took it out of the pan it stuck ( I have NEVER had a cake stick in my Le Creuset silicone bundt pan) and plopped out in a dry, pock-marked heap. I was devastated.


The bread, however may have been some of my best yet. And the chili and muffins I made last week were pretty yummy too.

Plain sourdough, tastes great toasted with cheese
Cinnamon sourdough bread--yummy

But still--it was my anniversary cake. I am not going to take it as a bad sign, especially since it tasted surprisingly good the next day and is now all gone.

All We Need is Love

My cousin and his wife had their first child, sweet Liam on Thursday. He was born via emergency C-section three weeks early due to a very serious problem that put both him and his mom at risk. Luckily they both pulled through and she went home today. Her little guy gets to go home in five days. I have been so worried about them and so thankful for the internet--most of my family lives in North Texas and I don't see them often so it's great to be connected and share our lives even if it's not in person.

My friend Kelly is overdue with her first baby and will probably give birth within the next week or so (sooner if her doctor has her way and induces) and I am so nervous about her delivery and sending lots of love and strong mama-vibes her way.

Yesterday I went to my friend, Reesa's house. Her baby Audrey is three weeks old and I spent several hours hanging out. I got to snuggle Audrey's sweet tiny baby body--is there anything better than the smell of a new baby head? She fit neatly in the curve of my arm and I marveled at how comfortable I was with her. It's official--I am a seasoned mama.

Holding her didn't make me want to make more babies (despite Reesa's urging!) but it did make me wistful for times that are in the past for my own little family. It would be nice to be able to go back and relax more and enjoy those times to the fullest.

I was a panicky mess when my boys were tiny, so afraid of messing something up. Thinking about this gave me a huge epiphany: I don't have yesterday but I DO have today. I have my sweet boys to love and kiss and appreciate and I am going to make the most of it. There is nothing more important to me than these moments...

From My Camera To My Blog--Assorted Pictures

Despite my horrendous PMS I have been trying to focus on the positive and act of of love and kindness instead of fear and resentment. For the most part is working great. I've been trying to focus more on my boys and work stuff so that's left less time to blog...the eternal blogging dilemma.

But, everything on my end is great, it's 77 degrees here and for that I am very very grateful. My chicken girls are out of their coop and prowling the yard, they are all happy girls. Today Pillow was taking a dirt bath and I was watching her and laughing--it really is cute to watch chickens roll around...then I turned my back for a second and when I turned back LeeLee was rolling around in her spot and Pillow was flapping her wings with agitation. Poor girl! Those boys must drive them crazy!

Here are some pictures I had floating around on my camera:


My sweet Lola cat--look at that happy napping face!

She loves my bed when there are no boys in it!

All Transformers, all the time here now...when did they get to be such BOYS??!

The road not taken--the adorable car I came thisclose to buying. I still frown when I see them driving which is ALL the time because there are so many of them. I love, love, loved it but in the end decided to wait. I am still bummed.

Late birthday prezzie from my BFF. I love late presents because then it can be my birthday for months!

Aren't they cute?!

And they get along well with my other earrings, which is important...

I have been married five years today...

*early photos, in no particular order:

The first picture taken of us: self portrait in S's bedroom Jan. 2002

In Marin overlooking the Golden Gate bridge 2003

Getting ready for dinner for my 27th birthday

At the Berkeley Rose garden 2002


At my boss's 30th birthday party 2002
In my bedroom 2003

On my 26th birthday


S and I had been dating exactly two years when he proposed. We had been living together for quite a while in a huge, crumbling red brick house in Berkeley, California and had talked about getting married, but never really in specifics.

One day in late December 2003 we were on our way to get groceries from Trader Joe's. We had recently returned from a trip to Arizona to visit my family. It was rainy and cold and miserable in the way that is unique to the Bay Area. Bone chilling and drizzly--the kind of rain that will make your hair frizzy, your skin clammy and the hem of your pants soaking wet.

But, we were never happier than when we were shopping for food. S is frugal to say the least. In many ways this is a good thing but it has been the source of many arguments between us. I am...not so frugal. But the one thing he has always believed in splurging on is food, so those were always fun trips for us, choosing ingredients for meals we would prepare together and desserts that we both loved.

We were the couple that always got warm greetings and smiles from the cashiers. We looked happy and in love. We held hands and smooched while we loaded our basket with brie and chocolate and ice cream. So it only makes sense that S chose our happy place to ask me to marry him even if the circumstances were less than ideal.

I was in a terrible mood. I was decompressing from the holidays and not happy to find such crappy weather waiting for us in Berkeley. I was starving and wanted to get groceries and return home as soon as possible. I was wearing unflattering gray corduroys and my Johnny Cash hoodie. I had my hand on the door handle with S said: 'will you marry me?' I laughed thinking he was kidding. The tears in his eyes told me that he was not.

I was shocked and dubious--he couldn't be serious. He had once said he wasn't the "type" to get married bu,t despite the fact that there was no sparkly ring, I said yes.

Two weeks later as I dressed for our wedding I wondered if he would go through with it. I tucked a sprig of lavender from our backyard in my hair, took a deep breath and peeked into his room. He was in his giant walk in closet putting on his nice pants.

We drove to my work to pick up my organic flower arrangement and then made our way to the downtown Oakland courthouse. It was blocks away from the apartment I had shared with the guy I dated right before S and it was the courthouse where my first marriage was dissolved. Amongst these specters we decided to go ahead and take the plunge.

It was a gorgeous day and I felt pretty in my BCBG chiffon gown. S looked handsome in his navy suit. We filled out the paperwork and were shown to the wedding room. It was surprisingly pretty. We waited nervously for the officiant to enter and were soon joined by a young and pretty Asian girl in a soft gray sweater. I wondered when the "real" person would show up and was surprised when she began the ceremony. We said our vows then she offered to take photos. That was that.

Beaming, we drove to Telegraph avenue, the street where we met and had a casual lunch. After a long nap we got dressed and walked to our very favorite dinner spot. We shared a delicious meal as husband and wife.

That was a big year for us. We moved to Texas and I became pregnant with our twins on December first, a few weeks before my 28th birthday.

Things have been rocky for us. S's dad died while I was pregnant with our boys--he never got the chance to meet them. He didn't even know we were having twins.

We bought our house, it closed one week after S lost his job so we didn't really get to celebrate such a momentous occasion in our lives.

We've struggled with our changing roles after becoming parents, we've blamed each other for our shared hardships and frustrations. We've shared the joy of watching our incredible sons change from babies to little boys.

I've envisioned my life without him so many times that I've almost forgotten that we are still married. But last night I looked at his profile in the kitchen as he helped me clean up after dinner and I realized that he is still the man I fell in love with and he is still my husband. And I want to give this my best shot. He is on this journey with me and he deserves respect and love. I want to model that for my boys.

Happy anniversary, honey--let's see if we can finally get this right.

Happy Birthday, Amber!!!

Today is my beautiful friend Amber's birthday! I met her on Haight St. in San Francisco close to ten years ago, but it feels like yesterday.

Happy Birthday, honey I love you! I hope you have an amazing day.

Air and Simple Gifts

What a day. I feel electric, alive.

I was glued to CNN watching the inauguration. The boys raced around me, impatiently waiting to watch more cartoons. Occasional squeals of "Mama! Obama!" punctuated their frustrated whining.

I craned my neck, trying to see around their blond heads, trying to watch history in the making. LeeLee found me tearing up in the kitchen as I buttered my morning bagel and looked alarmed. I tried to explain to him that I was happy. He didn't buy it.

Today is also my five year wedding anniversary. And against all odds, my predominant feeling--much like what I feel about the next four years for our country--is hope.

I've been trying to expand my viewpoint lately. I've been exercising, getting outside more, cooking more and generally trying to extract my head from my own arse. I get very focused in on my feelings of frustration and helplessness and it's not good.

When I'm the most mad at S I say 'This is what YOU wanted too! This life together, you CHOSE it!' Well, the same could be said for me. I wanted to move from California to Texas to buy a house and start a family with S. I have done those things. Now what?

I could tear it all apart and start over and believe me I have imagined several possible new lives for myself and my boys or...I can approach things from the other side and look at my life with more positivity and joy. It can't hurt, right?

I think I'm going to take the advice of Dolly, whose 63rd birthday was yesterday:

The Colour of Life

"One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar."
- Oscar Wilde

Sorry I haven't blogged very much lately, ya'll. I'm here and doing well. (aside from a touch of PMS ;)

I'm focusing a lot on my family. Cooking a lot, working some. I do have a lot to say (as usual!) and will get back to the swing of things tomorrow after I watch the inauguration. (11am CST)

Tomorrow is also S and my five year wedding anniversary AND my sweet friend Amber's birthday so I'll have a lot to post about.

Today is my BFF's due date! But still no baby, but soon, very soon!!!!

Hope all of you out there in blogland are doing splendidly. I'm going to go put my little munchkins to bed. Fingers crossed that they cooperate!

My Horoscope Today

You might attempt to ignore the messages you are receiving now, even if your trusted friends are giving you sound advice. You may remain open to listening, but a part of you already knows your emotional limits and won't move beyond them. Be careful; you could lose a wonderful opportunity for love if you become so inflexible that you miss what's right in front of your nose.

Obama Inauguration Countdown--Four Days Away!

Wordless Wednesday: My Little Texans