Thursday, January 31, 2008

Leaps & Bounds







My sweet sweet boys are just growing up so fast. They have been so cute and it just kills me. Lately they have been insisting on picking out their own outfits and it cracks me up to see how different they are.

LeeLee picks out a polo and coordinating pants with suede shoes, Moomers picks out two different pairs of pajamas, to layer on top of each other. Blue thermals with a tool print and shorts and a t-shirt covered with dinosaurs. And blue Converse.

LeeLee hates wearing socks (even though NOT wearing them makes his feet SO STINKY) but Moomers doesn't mind.

Also, in other (good) news, Moomersfound his Rick James-style fireman's hat that we had thought was lost forever. I have no idea where he found it, but it smells like a litter box which isn't so awesome.

S came home for lunch, without calling first. He scared the pee out me lurking around the backyard, it was nice to see him randomly and the boys were happy.

The boys sat down at their table for a snack and Moomers brought a book to read while he ate....Fatherless Women. Ok.

They've also stopped letting me call them my babies. Before they didn't mind but now I say 'do I have two babies that I love?' and they say NO. Then I say ' do I have two little boys that I love' and they say yes and point to themselves.

I guess I don't mind this transition. They can't be babies forever (except in my heart) and they are so much funner now.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Love

February is almost here, bringing with it my favorite holiday. Valentine's day...the holiday that employs all my favorite colors and foods. Who doesn't want to celebrate love...well, maybe those that aren't IN love but whatever. I'm married so I have a permanent partner to shower with cookies. Granted, he is diabetic so I may not being doing him any favors with that one but the way to S's heart is most definitely through his stomach.
I was driving around today after taking the boys to see goats at a nearby farm and my thoughts turned to my husband.
Our relationship has most certainly never been perfect, (well not after the first week at least) but I can honestly say that he "gets" me and after 6 years together I still think he's sexy as hell.
I complain A LOT about him and that makes me sad. There are some things that he does that definitely drive me crazy to the point where I need to vent to an understanding friend but there are so many small things that he does that do not get enough credit. I have a problem expressing happiness, I feel much more comfortable bonding with people over things I am unhappy with...my thighs, my general appearance, my relationship...but that is not healthy. I need to be able to say "I am in love with my husband and we're getting by fine."
So here I am to say just that.
S is a really caring father. He can read my mind...if I am having an ice cream craving, he brings some home. He gives the best hugs on the planet and he is the perfect fit for me. He had amazing sideburns. He has beautiful eyes that the boys inherited. He is really handy. We like the same kinds of foods. We have similar body types. He is funny and can always make me laugh. He is smart. He is sensitive and cries at chick flicks. He voluntarily puts sappy movies on our Netflix queue. He helped me fix my credit with his frugality. (I usually use another word but this is a nice blog entry)
There is lots more but you get the picture.
I realized last night that I have always kind of jumped around when I am unhappy instead of staying the course and working things out. I've always done that with jobs for example, it's always funner and easier to just start over.
I've had so many fantasies about my super rad single life that I would lead once I disentangled myself from my marriage but the reality is that I would miss him and our life together like crazy. So here I am, trying to make it work. Forever is a really long time, but I don't have unlimited time with him or anyone else on this planet.

I am weak


I did it, I made the cookies.
They are great. They are peanut butter cookies but the oatmeal adds a chewy texture that is divine. And in my defense, S did take some to work for his co-workers. I made them last night which was definitely a mistake, my absence pushed bedtime wayyyy back and we went to bed later than we have in months.
I wasn't going to write about this, but it's on my mind so I guess I will....my boobies are REALLY sore and it's been hurting to nurse the boys. I mentioned it to S and he said 'you're not pregnant are you?' and I froze, that honestly hadn't crossed my mind as a possibility. I just thought the boys were sucking too hard.
I shouldn't be pregnant, we've been careful (and by 'careful' I mean barely having sex) but damn are they sore. It's hard to compare to the last time because my boobs are way different now and I am breastfeeding but upon closer inspection they DO look darker...or do they???
I hate this, I really can't have another baby--I just can't. I really feel like I'm out of the woods with these guys, that it's just manageable. I can't start all over with a new baby, the beginning of a fresh round of nursing.
If I'm not (and I better not be) then we really need to look into permanent solutions. And by that I mean, S needs to go get a vasectomy.

Monday, January 28, 2008

New Hair


















This is my new haircut. I guess it looks pretty close to my last hair cut, I'm just tripping out because it's been so long in between. When I was shampooing today I was like 'where's my hair????' it feels thin and mullet-y but I think I'm just on the verge of PMS and feeling emotional. As these pictures are showing me, it isn't mullet-y and well, I have always had fine hair.
The picture of me in the pale shirt was from Day 1, yesterday. I was not feeling like smiling at all, it seems that my mouth doesn't even want to stretch into any expression, especially one that may be confused for happiness.
Anyway, I'm wasting time...again. The boys are asleep and I need to clean up our mess from the first half of the day and figure out what to cook for dinner. I am resisting the urge to make cookies. I keep finding myself making mental bargains....well, I should make them because I am going to give most to S to take to work..or, I could give them to M, our neighbor because he just got a raise...well, I mean I would only eat like one or two to make sure they taste ok.
I'm an addict!!!

BLAHHHH!

I have had very little patience this morning. I feel overwhelmed. I made the boys pancakes this morning and half burned most of them somehow. They sat at the table yelling and and the juice that I had JUST poured for them. I had a mini-meltdown then cleaned up the juice and sat down with them to eat.

Now I have a sink full of gooey pancake batter dishes and a sticky floor. I need a shower but that means that I have to give them a bath too and I just don't think I have the energy right now. I have some errands to run but that too would involve snack packing and teeth brushing (for all three of us) and a million other little steps that I just don't feel like doing.

So instead I'm sitting here blogging, feeling my tummy pooching over my ever-present sweatpants. The ones that I thought were so cute, the ones with a handy drawstring so I won't pay attention to the fact that I've been eating too much. I've felt bored and lonely and anxious and have been medicating with the meditative art of baking....unfortunately I have also eaten way to many of my homemade treats.

I'm not going to beat myself up even though a good 7 pounds more than I am comfortable with. I will be PMS'ing soon which is always a scary time in our household that usually involves threats of divorce. So I will deal with the bloating and crankiness that will be here soon and after that get my lazy ass outside and off of this computer chair.

On the plus side, yesterday I FINALLY got a haircut after about five or so months. I saw the girl that cut my hair last time, she was in a hurry because she had a color appointment coming in. She razor-cut my hair which I usually hate but the cut looked good--I have to get used to my new rocker-ish bangs but it looks and feels much better.

Also, yesterday I potentially made a new friend. S and I had been sqabbling over our biggest issue (money) and were not jiving at all. So he took Moomers and left. I was with LeeLee and it was tempting to have a slacker-Mom moment, throw in a video and dick around online but instead I asked him if he wanted to go on an adventure and he said yes.

We went to a school playground near our house that I had never been to before. There was only one other mama there with her son who was about Lee's age. He ran over to the fence excitedly. I was a little disappointed at first because I wanted to spend some alone time with LeeLee without another kid there but he was so sweet and his mom was mellow and friendly.

We spent about half an hour hanging out and talking, it turns out she lives walking distance away from us. Her son was very very sweet and gave me hugs and kisses which I found adorable and she found annoying. I didn't understand why at first but then I flashed to the surge of jealousy I felt when the boys were briefly enamored with the woman that lives behind us. They would call her name and actually try to climb the fence to see her. It definitely stung, I'm a little embarrassed to admit.

Anyway, as she was leaving she said she was going to give me her number. I was relieved, it felt like the end of a date where there would be an awkward 'should we kiss' moment and I was glad that she offered to exchange numbers. I have her my card and she said she would email me her info.

But she hasn't yet and I'm feeling lame for being a little disappointed by that. I must be really lonely.

Moomers just tried to hand me a turd from the backyard. We don't have a dog so that *&%$# cat across the street must be pooping in our yard. I saw that little fucker just last night lurking around. Ok. Now it's definitely bath time.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

MamaSpa Wellness Center

I was laying in bed nursing the boys thinking about how it's sometimes hard to blend being a mom with having a career, in my case a holistic esthetician/makeup artist/skincare rep. I love my work so much and lately when I am working I feel the most rapport with other moms. Bring up a case of hormonal melasma and I'm right on top of it.
Also, I know so many talented mamas who haven't gone back to work because they care more about motherhood than getting some lame job and I know talented women (ME!) who are basically trapped in their houses because it is too overwhelming to get out. I was just thinking how incredible it would be to be able to go to a space where you can drop your kids off with a sitter who is also a mom, grab a latte and ACTUALLY DRINK IT WHILE IT'S HOT, get a new bra, pop in for a brow wax and, well since the kids fell asleep you may is well take a yoga class or get a pedicure.
Or--you have a bunch of baby clothes that your kids outgrew so you stop by, drop off your bag and get to choose a few new items in their size.....and pick up a new lip gloss and a multivitamin while you're at it!
Or--you are a mom who likes to care for children or you're an esthetician (me!) or you are a therapist (my MIL....you don't need to have given birth recently!) and you need a great job where you can bring your kids.
Enter MamaSpa Wellness Center, where every woman is a well woman! No one has to put their jobs on hold or stay isolated in their homes because it's too overwhelming to venture out!

For Moms, by Moms: (EVERY employee is a mom!)

Here is a stream of consciousness list of what could be available--

Facials, waxing, skincare services, makeup classes for moms and teens, makeovers
Manicure/Pedicure
Hairstylists
On-site childcare for employees and clients
Yoga classes
Acupuncture
Therapists specializing in postpartum depression, mother's issues, and child stuff (art therapy, etc.)
Parenting classes
Post partum doulas
Nutritionist
Cafe
Toy lending library
Baby clothes swap nights
Mom's night out with free makeovers once a month
boutique with some clothes, local jewelry, nursing bras, etc.
Lactation consultant, LLL meetings
Support groups for PPD, special needs children, grief, etc.
A rotating space for mom artists to hang/sell their work
Craft room


I wish this could exist...can you imagine the amount of money it would take??? I know so many women that could work there with me, though. *sigh*

Friday, January 25, 2008

Toddler Yum

r



































I love it when I try a new snack and the boys devour it happily. Especially when it's easy to prepare. Today it was warmed flatbread (my new obsession) with peanut butter and jelly. PB&J pizza! They TORE it up and it cured a case of the late-day grouchies.

Going Crazy

40°F I am soooooo over this weather. I need to see the sun and I need a dry
Rain backyard in which to release my antsy toddlers. They played outside
Wind: N at 9 mph long enough to get covered with a fine mist of rain and muddy their shoes.
Humidity: 93% I know it could be worse and it looks like it is going to get much better,
Today but today we are feeling completely stir-crazy.
Rain
42° | 40°
Sat
Mostly Sunny
68° | 47°
Sun
Partly Sunny
70° | 58°
Mon
Chance of Showers
72° | 58°

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A little privacy, please...

Tonight Moomers went into the pantry when I was online screwing around. S was in the living room with LeeLee. I heard M giggling but was into what I was doing and didn't immediately get up. I didn't hear any loud noises/rifling around so I wasn't too concerned-- until I opened the door and was assaulted by the smell of the product of Moomers's mischief. Yes. He took a huge runny dump in our recycling box.
He had been sans diapers because he's potty training and is really good about using the toilet. I guess the problem is he needed a little private time to do his business. (the baby potties are in the hallway) He thought it was hilarious and really, so did I. Especially since S is the one that cleaned it up. ;)

Things I love...




























Ok, I'm a bona fide hausfrau. My wardrobe choices are pretty much limited to what is comfortable, easy to wash (doesn't shrink) and this time of year: warm.
I was feeling really bummed out, not even wanting to glance in the mirror during the day because I didn't want to catch sight of my bedraggled self. I am lucky to have a steady source of "new" clothes from my friend, K and also occasionally my MIL. K recently passed down some really great basics, mostly from Old Navy and they have really helped my "hot mama" (I like to think) look.
I can't really pretend to be what I'm not, I HAVE to wear (what are basically) sweatpants and t-shirts and easy to put on shoes because I am a harried mom. But I CAN make wardrobe choices that also help my appearance.
It's funny, if I DO go to work or out somewhere I feel obligated to put on jeans or other pants I can't WAIT to get home to my beloved lounge wear. I went through all my clothes and donated everything that didn't make me feel cute. Stretched-out sweats, stained t-shirts, etc. Gone. Free t-shirts from work? Gone.
At this stage in the game I am pretty aware of my body's flaws and quirks. I have long legs, semi-wide hips and a flat tushie. After all this outflow of clothing, I was thrilled to stumble upon the PERFECT pair of pants for my body type. One day at Target buying diapers they just jumped out at me. Mossimo brand, super long, slightly flared, have front pockets (a MUST) and, a rarity, back pockets with cute snap closures.
Once I took them home I wore them EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. So I had to get a pair in every color. I had no choice, really.
My favorite shirt with these is one similar to the one above, but with a deep scoop neck. The one above has the advantage of hiding my tattoo when I feel like it, and the scoop neck has the advantage of showing not only my full chest piece but also a little nursing-mama cleavage too.
This shirt is thin and body-hugging but not tight or uncomfortable and is perfect for layering under a cardigan or hoodie.
Another must for me is a good bra. Not necessarily an expensive one (although I'd love one) but at least one good bra that is smooth under thin shirts and makes your girls look amazing. When possible I also like to only wear my yucky period underwear when I am actually ON my period and try to match my bra and undies. (not hard since my bra is black and so are most of my undies)
The last thing that is saving me from complete frump-dom is the little upgrade I made with my shoes. I looooove ballet flats and since my Croc Primas bit the dust (they were SO comfortable and cute for about three months. Now they are tired and the tread is completely flat/slick...not good during the rainy season) I had gone back to wearing some of my elderly flats that weren't particularly snazzy. Enter the Converse One Star silver glitter flat. Sweet Jesus these are cute. They are Converse, which are old friends of mine but in the form of a really comfortable and adorable ballet flat. Love, love, love.
So there you have it. I am still a mama, I am still scanning the leg of my pants for smears of poop and oatmeal, I am still making sure my boob is firmly in my shirt before going out to check the mail (you'd be surprised how natural it feels to have an exposed breast after nursing twins for 2 1/2 years and counting) and I am still trying to integrate my role as a parent into how I see myself as a woman and as an individual. But slowly I am re-learning how to make sacred space for myself. And sometimes in order to fully embrace that space I have to have the right outfit on. Hey, Mamas....what's YOUR favorite comfortable-but-cute outfit?

***keep an eye out on my other blog for beauty tips for busy mamas!

Commitments

I've been going 'round and 'round with both S and myself for several months now, trying to figure out the rest of my life.
After lots of meditation (ok, like five minutes the other day but whatever) and contemplation I have decided to re-dedicate myself to making my marriage work. I didn't think I could but now I am sure that I can.
We've had lots of "talks", some angry, some sad, some frustrating, some funny and I realize that I still love him. And he still loves me. And we have two beautiful sons and a house together. (meaning, other people need us together and it would be a pain in the arse to split)
So I am committed to making this work. It's been rough at times but...it's also been tender, sweet, fun and romantic too. I'm going to focus on the good stuff and try to work through the rest and try to stop trying to figure out the rest of my life and just live my best life now. And I do think that includes my husband, even though I was convinced otherwise for a while.

**Many thinks to all of my friends who have had to hear me work through this the past several months (ok, six years ;)

I've been tagged!!

The lovely and talented Miss Whitney Lee has "tagged me." This means that I must share 7 things about myself. Considering I have a self-indulgent blog (well, two of them ;) AND a narcissistic myspace page all of ya'll probably know at least 7 things too many about me. But I love me some Whitney so I will play along.

1. My favorite snack is trail mix (any kind but especially if it has almonds and chocolate/white chocolate chips) and Sweetleaf mint and honey green tea.

2. Speaking of tea, I drink at least two cups a day. Black in the morning and something decaf in the p.m, like Yogi Tahitian Vanilla Hazelnut.

3. My favorite place on Earth (so far) is the Osento bathhouse for women in San Francisco. I am a well woman after spending the day at this yummy place.

4. I am addicted to magazines but seem to have a problem falling in love with ones that go under (Sassy,R.I.P Organic Style,Budget Living) Currently I subscribe to Bust, Mothering, Natural Solutions and Lucky (received as a gift) I would love to also get Brain, Child and The Sun.

5. Speaking of addictions I am a beauty product junkie. I love holistic products that I can't afford so in order to feed my addiction I get jobs with them. (Dr. Hauschka, Juice Beauty, Grateful Body, Mychelle, Peacekeeper)

6. I met my husband on Telegraph Avenue of Berkeley, CA. where he was an artist. I was instantly smitten and had no idea that he was going to be the father of my twin boys one day.

7. Speaking of my twin boys, they are the loves of my life and my best achievement so far. Right now I am a stay-at-home-mom moonlighting as an esthetician/makeup artist.


**I don't know if I have seven people to tag. Right now I'm going with:

Lissa
Evolving

and I'll add more victims...I mean friends and fellow bloggers as I think of them.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Stash-clearing & UFO's











* top pic: yarn for wedding blanket
**bottom pic: R.I.P

Last night I got a wild hair to organize my yarn. It took wayyy longer than I was anticipating and I found that *&%^! moths had munched on some of my favorite natural fibers. I also realized that about 80% of my yarn stash was purchased to make a blanket to celebrate my BFF's wedding...four years ago. Oops. I DID start it and was happy with it, but then I screwed up a row, put it down and never picked it back up again. My other major UFO (unfinished object) is a sweater. I have never finished a sweater. Geez, I'm so lazy.
So I am here to say that I commit to finishing these two projects at least by October, my BFF's anniversary month. I think that's doable.
When I got through pulling out all the old minor UFO's, random odd ends of yarn and chewed up wool skeins it was enough to fill two big bags. It made me sad to see it all like that. But I put it on freecycle and felt great when the recipient emailed me to thank me for all the crafty goodness.
So I'm feeling good all around and inspired to get crafty and start to finish ;) this effing blanket!!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Attack of the Christmas Tummy

Yesterday S suggested that I go to yoga after he got home from work. Usually I go on Sunday afternoons to a Hatha class. It's mellow but I usually still feel like I get a workout....I thought.
The only class available last night was a Hatha Flow, with a woman named Jenny.
I immediately made up my mind that I was going to hate her and her class. She was cute, tiny and blonde...three strikes. ;) Plus, she had a really hacking cough. I'm not really germ phobic but it really sucks having two kids sick, especially if you are ill, too.
My mind was racing and I was having a hard time adjusting to the class until she said to 'connect with three things we're grateful for.' My mind flashed to my boys, then to my car. All of these things I wouldn't have without S. My chest tightened and my eyes stung. I took a deep breath and relaxed....then we began a never-ending series of punishing poses that left me sweating and panting and knowing that I would be limping out of there.
I was embarrassed at first because I wasn't as familiar with her series as the other students but I began to enjoy myself and feel excited when I was able to wrestle my into a vague facsimile of the poses.
I DID limp out of there, red-faced and sweaty but it was a good feeling. I definitely felt every freaking cookie or piece of pie/cake I had put into my mouth since my holiday bake-a-thon began. (in October!)
I think I'll go again next week.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Trip to the Dentist


My sweet little Puffy Man is at the dentist with his Dada now. S found this dentist and loves him, but he's a bit too old-school-gruff-older guy for me. I couldn't bear his disapproval at my extended breastfeeding and I can't bear to see my little guy upset/in pain so I'm at home with Moomers.

I've been such a nervous wreck since I discovered that his left front tooth cap was loose. (already??!!!)

I been dutifully brushing and flossing his teeth (with $5 a tiny bottle tooth gel) twice a day, thinking I was being such a great mom, doing such a thorough job to keep my boys' new toofies healthy. But the other night, as I was flossing I felt his cap slide under my finger.

After my hysterical Britney moment we went to bed and I spoke to the dentists' office the next morning. The very very sweet receptionist/whoever told me that there was nothing I could do to loosen the cap/it wasn't my fault/wasn't a big a deal as I may think...but that we needed an emergency visit ASAP. Which is now.

Usually we all go to the dentist and it's somewhat of a stressful/chaotic experience. We don't need both boys there for one boy's appointment. Plus, S is less emotional than I am and also stronger physically so he can help restrain him if needed. (probably needed, I have to wrestle him just to brush his teeth..although it's a bit better with his new Elmo toothbrush. I just have to sing the following song: "*Elmo wants to brush your toofies and you say..." and then LeeLee says NO! NO! NO! and we laugh and I can reach his upper front teeth)

*to the tune of the Amy Winehouse rehab song. We've used that one for a while during toothbrushing. It used to be 'said I'm gonna brush your toofies and you say...'

So that's pretty much that. I promised LeeLee that we'd go ride the choo choo today at the park if he a) went to bed b) agreed to NOT wear his sneakers to bed c) was a brave little guy at the dentist

I felt bad because I don't think he was aware of the dentist part. He happily loaded up in the car, probably thinking he was going to the choo choo. He woke up at like 4am and said CHOO CHOO and I said 'yes, baby. Choo choo. In the morning. After the dentist.' and he happily went back to sleep.

Being a mom just tears my heart out sometimes (most of the time) It's about 20 minutes into his appointment, I hope everything is going smoothly. My sweet, sweet LeeLee.

*Update:
Dada and LeeLee came home after being gone about 40 minutes. He has no infection, Dr. S grabbed the cap, yanked it off, cleaned it out and re-glued it. No big deal. Lee pillaged the toy drawer when the nurse wasn't looking and brought home 3 rubber snakes, two frogs and a butterfly.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

New Year's Day












As I was browsing through my pictures I realized I forgot that we did do something special for New Year's. On the first day of the new year we took the boys to a little farm near our house to see their goats and llama and pig. It was a chilly day but the boys had such a blast, they love animals so much.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Why it's great to live in Texas

I didn't mention that we went canoeing on Wednesday. S says that I always complain that he is not spontaneous enough...do I really say that? Because I don't think I mean it, because it drives me crazy to not plan things in advance. I don't know if I've always been like that but I am now.

So on Wednesday when S mentioned he wanted to take the boys out in our neighbors' canoe I felt a surge of anxiety. First, I REALLY needed some alone time but the paranoid mama in me could not relinquish control so I demanded that I go too.

Then I started reminding him that we only have a four hour pre-nap window so if he wants to go he needs to pull it together asap. This really rubbed him the wrong way. I'm not saying he took even longer because of that, but that's what it felt like at the time.

So tiny lifejackets were bought and roof racks were installed on the car and canoes were strapped down and peanut butter sandwiches were made and we were on our way. Right at about the time they would be taking a nap.

I tried to 'let go' and not be so 'uptight' but I was tense. We got everything going and I stepped gingerly into the canoe with my purse--loaded with my camera and iPod...my two favorite possessions. That added a new layer to my anxiety.

The boys didn't understand why they couldn't run all over the boat and we started off well on the road to Tantrumtown.

But then something amazing happened. After a few minutes everyone settled down and I began to relax and enjoy myself. It was a gorgeous day and it was incredible to be out on the water with my whole family. And it's so great to see the boys' little minds being totally blown.

We saw lots of ducks and were besieged by one little duck family in particular that S noticed seemed to be us, in duck form. A mama, a dada and two little twin babies, one with jacked-up head feathers that suggested a twin ducky scuffle.

We also saw turtles sunning themselves and then two gigantic swans. The boys were TERRIFIED of the swans, especially LeeLee.
But all in all we had a lovely time. And it really was great to do something out of the ordinary.

Our ducky Doppelgangers
The Captain and his two first mates


My sweet contemplative LeeLee

My horoscope today

It's hard to know what is real today, for the volume on your imagination is turned up high. Fortunately, you also have a strong practical streak now, creating conflict between your emotions and your responsibilities. You often err on the side of excitement, but it's not a good idea to avoid current material concerns. Try not to make any major changes, for this instability will pass.

And that brings us to now

This is love...


I am really stressed out. I have really been struggling with my marriage and what to do about it and the future of our family. I am terrified of spending the rest of my life in a mutually unsatisfying marriage.

S is a great father and he works hard to support our family but I don't feel loved or respected about 80% of the time.

I have really been mentally preparing for leaving. He didn't really seem to care when I gave him the news and I thought maybe he was pushing me to do it because he would feel too guilty to be the one to leave his family.
A couple of our discussions got pretty heated (aka nasty) and he threatened to fight me on custody of the boys, etc.

Yesterday we had quite a blow-up (the boys were napping and we were in the garage) that ended in tears all around and left me feeling shaky and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. We came to no really conclusion but both calmed down a bit. S says he loves me and doesn't want our family to break up. I don't know how I feel anymore.

Our day progressed and last night LeeLee threw the biggest fit to date, because it was past his bedtime and he was adamant that he get to wear his Elmo sneakers to bed. We co-sleep and my three rules are: no plastic toys in bed, no food in bed and no shoes in bed.

I held firm despite S's protests and Lee kicked and screamed and generally freaked out. When he had calmed down a bit I began to brush his teeth and one of the caps on his front tooth slid under my finger as I flossed.

I freaking lost it. It was the last straw and I was hysterical. It was so horrible to go through the caps in the first place and I really can't deal with it again, plus we are in between insurance coverage since S's new job's insurance doesn't kick in until 2/1.

Great. Really fucking great.


It turns out the emergency visit will only be $45 and the cap is loose but still attached. I guess they just re-cement it.

But still, my nerves are a jangly mess and I desperately need some time to myself. I work on Sunday for 3 hours but that doesn't count. But I guess it's close enough to matter in my fragile emotional state.

Two of my friends are engaged and giggly-ecstatic. With my current situation it's hard for me to get swept away in their excitement. "Wow.....congratulations" is all I can muster so far. I'm an old bitter hag at 31. Great.

But I DO have one newly preggie friend and I'm thrilled for her. Parenthood is the best thing that's ever happened to me, despite the challenges I love it and my boys fiercely.

I feel a bit tossed out to sea right now but I'm hoping to stabilize soon. And as far as having any answers to my dilemmas, I don't.

Update Part 3

Dada gets some help blowing out the candles

The next big event for us was NOT New Year's....we were asleep by 10 or 11. I woke up at 1am, glanced at the clock and thought...Happy Fucking New Year and went back to sleep.

January 1 is our 6 year dating anniversary but we didn't really celebrate aside from some reminiscing, since our wedding anniversary is January 20. WHY are there so many things to celebrate stacked so close together for us? It's exhausting and I get all celebrated out. I think I'm working on our anniversary.

The next big event was S's 35th birthday. I got him a few gifts, a 6 pack of Shiner Black beer, some hot chocolate packets, some chocolate, Team America: World Police on DVD, new lip balm and a one hour massage (that he promptly canceled) I also made him a cheesecake.

Homemade cheesecakes are a bit more challenging than I imagined but it was really, really tasty nonetheless.

That morning when we woke up I made special pancakes then I ran errands with Moomers and S went for a walk with LeeLee. Then it was naptime and S went to lunch with his mom. When they returned we all had cheesecake.

I think he had a nice day and he made out like a bandit, gift-wise. His mom and step dad gave him some money and some nice little pampering gifts.

I think he had a nice day although he was left feeling a bit sad which is to be expected. I get a bit melancholy after a day of reflecting after a birthday.

Stuff that's happened lately: Part 2

The next big thing to happen was, of course, Christmas. S HATES Christmas which has always sucked for me. I like it. I am in no way religious and dread the time when the boys are older and I have to fumble through an explanation (thank you, internet) but I really want to build a nice, cozy family tradition. But we haven't yet, not really.

That morning we opened presents at home, S hated the big thing I bought him (a ladder) even though he asked for one and a ladder is not really something I enjoy shopping for in the first place, but whatever. He did like the flask, cd's (the Streets) and was lukewarm about the magazine subscriptions (Wired, Popular Mechanics)

The boys tore into their presents from Aunt K and my mom (aka Grandma) It made them totally spazzy and borderline tantrum-y but they loved their new stuff.

I then made a brunch casserole thing to take to S's mom's house. It was basically a big pan of heart attack but was so effing tasty, it seemed ok for a once a year kind of dish.

The boys fell asleep on the way over, so we ate AND opened all the adult presents while they snoozed. It was nice, but everyone started getting antsy. Let's face it, the boys are the exciting part of our family, not S and I. They ate, then started on round 2 of gift opening.

They got some really great stuff including a horse puppet (they each got one and each named him Bob) and some beautiful wooden blocks. They also got a stuffed raccoon (now named Coon-Coon) and monkey (no name) and some new bath toys. Which was great because their old ones are a little worse for wear.

All in all it was a nice time, we got home exhausted and stuffed and went to bed early. The boys are too young to understand, but I really don't want Christmas to be like 'ok, happy present day' that's too superficial. I admit, I LOVE giving and receiving presents but really I want it to be more than that, but since I'm not religious the Christ part of Christmas is tricky. And the fact that S hates it makes it even trickier.

Needless to say, I'm glad the holidays are over.

New choo-choo hats from Aunt K and Uncle S!
Christmas at Nana's!



Family Christmas card, taken in our backyard

Grrr! I hate Christmas!


The family again...this was not spontaneous, I forced him to kiss me


Moomersi and Horsehead open prezzies from Grandma


I love Bob the Builder!

Stuff that's happened lately: Part 1

I've been terrible about keeping up with this blog. It's not that I don't want to blog, I do. In fact, I blog in my head all the time, I just don't take the time to put the thoughts out there. Part of the reason is that when I get stressed out I just go into survival mode and don't necessarily reach out or verbalize how I am feeling. Probably not a good thing to do. So now I will catch all (two) of you ;) up on what's happened in my world since I last posted.

First off, I had a birthday December 19th. I am a Sagittarius and I turned 31. The husband surprised me with flowers, my favorites were hanging out on the table when I woke up. He had to work all day so I had a pretty normal day with the boys at home. I baked myself a double layer yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Most people I told said 'ohhhh, no! You baked your OWN cake?' But it's not a bad thing at ALL, I love to bake, it's relaxing for me and it was nice to pour some self-love into my own celebratory cake. And it was yummy.
That night I dropped the boys off at my friend, R's house. It was VERY nice of her to babysit because she was leaving the next morning to drive out of town with her own two kids for a friend's wedding. (who gets married so close to Christmas???) But anyway, it was a rare treat for us because we NEVER have a babysitter.
We went to a super yummy sushi restaurant, Uchi. My brother in law gave us a gift certificate ELEVEN months prior that we had never used. It is a really nice restaurant that we would never go on our own but I was really excited and I got to wear one of my favorite vintage dresses. (continued below pictures)

Full of sushi!

My favorite flower!

Can't forget the boys!

I ate most of this!

Mama's all dressed up!


It was so magical at the restaurant being totally pampered, toasting each other like actual grown ups, not chasing toddlers or asking anyone if they 'went poopie.' *sigh*
We were jolted back to reality the second we picked up the boys, but that's how it goes. I couldn't wait to get home and take off my kitten heels and put on some jammies and EAT CAKE! (or 'cock' as the boys pronounce it)
Now when I say birthday they automatically say 'CAKE!!' Good boys.
Another great thing, my brother, B came to visit the weekend before. The boys were so happy to see their uncle and it was great to see my little bro. We hung out, then went to dinner and drove around looking at Christmas lights. Oh, and he brought me an iPod. Yay!! Finally!
I actually got quite a few really thoughtful presents. I don't expect them, but come on, who doesn't like presents????
My mother in law gave me a rad gift, a vintage suitcase (I collect vintage traincases and small suitcases) with lots of relaxation aides: yummy tea, chocolate, slippers, hot water bottle, and a hilarious short story by David Sedaris, one of my favorites.
My BFF gave me a Bare Escentuals lipstick (fig) that she swears is the HG of lipsticks. (holy grail) and a lovely floral-print headband to use during my daily skincare regimen.
My good friend, K gave me assorted lovely crafty gifts and an Andy Warhol journal and a cute notebook.
All in all, a great birthday. After that it was pure Christmas prep. Luckily I finished all my shopping at the end of November so I was good to go.