Halloween!

I'm going to be a zombie this year. I have the boys and they are really into scary stuff/monsters/zombies, etc. so I am going to oblige them by becoming one of the undead.

Next year S will probably have them and I will plan on going to a party of some sort and want to be Strawberry Shortcake.

I have all year to find the perfect, not-too-slutty dress to wear. I loved SS as a kid and would not want to tart her all up.

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Grateful

I know life is short and precious...

I can't imagine life without my little boys--they are everything to me...

I love all my friends and family--so much. I get caught up in stress and sadness and day to day bullshit but--I know this is the time of my life I will remember forever.

Sad

I am feeling almost unbearably sad right now. I keep looking for the reason: stress, hormones, this nagging cough that won't go away...but I guess the real reason is the fact that Friday is the 14th anniversary of my dad's death. And it just doesn't get any easier. I would almost say that it's getting worse because there are just more and more things that are happening that he won't get to be a part of.

My brother, Bubba is getting married in less than two weeks. My mom, youngest brother and his girlfriend are driving out to be here for it. My oldest brother is performing the ceremony. It's the first time in 9 years all four of us have been together. (since my oldest brother's wedding)

My family is very important to me, but I don't see any of them often enough. Only when our lives are brought together by joyous events (rare) or tragedies (most often)

I keep feeling like if I can find a solid reason for my sadness then I can just turn it off and move forward, away from it. But part of me thinks I just just sink down into it for a bit. I don't know why I am always trying to always be so in control of my emotions all the time. Maybe because I have kids and I think that I have to hold it all together for them...

There's Beauty in the Breakdown..

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I am so tired. I feel like I have so much stress and pressure in my life and no way to relieve it. It's hard being the only one in charge of so much responsibility.

I am trying to do a good job at work, with my boys, take care of my house, cook and clean up, pay bills, get gas...the list goes on and on. I always go to sleep feeling like there is something I forgot to do, someone I forgot to call back...

I don't know what I need--an assistant, a maid, a nanny, a million dollars?

It's hard enough when everything goes according to schedule, but tonight the boys are fighting bedtime. I think they would rather be with me... They crawled into bed with me last night around midnight. I scooted over to make room for them and fell into a deep sleep. I was awakened several hours later when I put my hand on a cold, damp puddle--LeeLee had wet the bed, a first for him. I wanted desperately to roll back over and go back to sleep but I had to get up and deal with it.

I woke up still tired, thinking about the fact that I have a gas dryer that is not hooked up and since the weather has been rainy my usual line-drying could not happen. The thought of rounding up some quarters to take it to the ghetto laundromat made me want to cry.

I ended up putting my laundry on the line, hoping it would somehow get dry in the damp, misty air. It didn't. I'm sitting on a bed with no sheets at 9pm, with a kitchen full of dirty dishes and a refrigerator full of spoiled leftovers and no actual food.

I need to mop. I need a shower. I am working right after I drop the boys off at school tomorrow. I have bills to pay...I am navigating the terms of my divorce. It's all too much right now. I was sick and tired of the hot Texas summer but this weather is not helping my gloomy mood.

I have a ton to do to prepare for my workday tomorrow. The fact that I do a huge chunk of my work in my pajamas after I drop the boys off at school doesn't help me...on the days I am 'out in the field' I have to seriously gear up. This will change once I have all my accounts locked down but until then....

*sigh*

I'm just venting....I'm sure things will look better tomorrow or blah blah blah whatever...I just need to feel sorry for myself right now...

On the plus side, it seems that the boys may have finally settled down in the other room. (knock on wood..)

Ex Stress

At the end of my marriage, it got to the point where I was happy with everything in my life--except for my relationship with S.

I left to build a new life for myself and the boys and I am happy--except for when I have to deal with S. It's the same b.s, it never changes with him.

He wants to make me miserable because he is so unhappy. He continues to blame me for his disappointments instead of taking a long look at his life and choices and behavior.

I am so sick of having to feel stressed out, coerced, bullied, controlled and pressured. I hate having every day ruined by his barrage of emails, texts and phone calls.

Crystal & Bobbyfinger

My boys have imaginary friends. These "friends" are not dogs, little boys, ghosts or pirates. They are girls. Ladies, to be exact. My boys have imaginary girlfriends.

They seem to form crushes on girls about 16 and older and they have both told me, impatiently that girls in their classes are "little girls" and they prefer "big girls only." Um, ok.

They used to both have feelings for real people, teenaged girls in our neighborhood. LeeLee loved Laurie and Moomers was into Delany. Both of these girls were adorable: cute and cheerful blonds.

But slowly their ardor for these girls cooled and they informed me that they had new girlfriends: Crystal (Moomers) and....um: Bobbyfinger. (LeeLee) I had NO IDEA where they came up with these names or what these imaginary girls looked like. Moomers told me a few times that Crystal has "black hair" while LeeLee goes back and forth between red, "yellow" and black.

I find all of this totally amusing but don't try to encourage or discourage it. I just listen when they want to tell me about Crystal and Bobbyfinger and their various hijinks:

'Mama--I go on a date with Crystal. She picked me up, I rode in the back in my carseat. She drives. She's a big girl. We had Mexican food, went to HEB (the grocery store) and saw rock and roll music. Then I give her a kiss and say: "I love you, Crystal, take me to Mama's house."

LeeLee's dates follow a similar pattern. Sometimes they ask me to call them on the phone and so I do and they say 'hi Bobbyfinger [Crystal], love you bye' because they are men of few words.

I finally found out where the name Crystal came from:

But I still have NO IDEA where LeeLee go...BOBBYFINGER?? He's a silly boy...

*photo from www.thesuperficial.com

So yesterday I was wasting time on useless bullshit celebrity gossip sites hanging out with my boys when I came across this article about Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman. Moomers saw their picture said: CRYSTAL AND BOBBYFINGER!!!!

He pointed to Mila and said: Crystal! And LeeLee came over and pointed to Natalie: Bobbyfinger!

I'm just thankful that a) they didn't like the same girl b) they have such good taste. I couldn't be prouder or more amused by my little romantics...

Because he's not here with me...