Neurotic

Part of the reason why I need to blog again is the fact that I have felt so freaking neurotic lately. I am in sales so that means I am self employed. When I am not "out in the field" I am answering emails from home.

This is awesome and perfect for me in every way except one: when I spend too much time alone, thinking my random-ass thoughts I start to feel really tense and lost.

I like to think I am pretty mellow and even-keeled but without some sort of outlet: exercise (ha!) or blogging I start to spin my wheels too much.

So, I am back to feeling like posting every random, mundane thought that clutters up my mind. I know how narcissistic that is and I'm ok with that. I know it's not always interesting to read but I have really missed this space.

So much has happened in the past year or so...much of it isn't really blog-worthy but I feel back to being myself and having the ability to reach out to others again. I spend a while figuratively curled up in the fetal position, licking my wounds and now I feel ok.

Better than ok, really. Although I get stressed out and lose focus I do know that I have everything I need.

Where am I at right now? Well, it rained all night and all morning which is so not motivating me to get my day going. But right now, the sun is peeking out and I am going to do some work. It's the end of the period and I will need to visit one of my stores again before it ends officially.

This weekend C and I have the boys. I am hoping it doesn't rain both days. The forecast shows a cold front at best and yucky rain and cloudy weather at worst. The weather last week was so amazing, it's too bad it's not going to stick around. I do have lots of new craft supplies so we can just paint and build stuff all weekend.

I was hoping to be able to take the boys on a special date today when I pick them up from school: they've been with their dad the past two days and it's the end of the week. But apparently Moomers had a bad day at school yesterday and got in trouble. I don't know the whole story but I really don't like rewarding "bad" behavior. I need them to earn special stuff so they don't turn into ungrateful little monsters.

We have a sticker chart and that works well usually.

I've also found recently that I am getting more neurotic regarding the house. I need it to be clean and when it's not I feel completely tense and out of whack. The boys' room is a hot mess right now and I'm torn between just cleaning it and starting fresh for the weekend and making them help me clean it when they get home.

I'm trying to teach them to be responsible with their stuff: caps back on markers, gentle with their toys, putting away one thing before moving on to playing with something else...I'm having mixed results with this. I know they are only four but I don't think they are too young to have respect for their things. I just don't want for them to take their stuff for granted and expect new toys and art supplies when they are careless with the ones they already have.

Recent Photos of My Littles...

My little men are growing SO FAST. It's so hard for me to comprehend that they are not my little babies anymore. They will be five on their next birthday, which just blows my mind.

I find that I am becoming a more mellow parent as time goes by. I used to worry a lot about doing everything "right." Now I just try to find what works for us.

Here are a few pictures from the last couple of months...

Thank you picture texted to the grandparents...

Silly superhero boys...they REALLY love playing dress up!

Sleepy LeeLee

Sleepy Moomers

Moomers singing "Brown Sugar" by: the Rolling Stones...

LeeLee

Moomers making a play dough chupacabra...really.

The boys on a play date...

Sillies

Mama and Moomers

Hello Again...

Well....here I am again, back on my blog and I have to say--it feels good. I have missed blogging a lot and I feel like it gives me a lot of perspective and helps me connect with a) myself and my own feelings and b) others out there who may be reading.

I tend to get very wrapped up with my own thoughts and stuck in my own head--it's a good thing for me to write it down. Plus, I am in a very impermanent place in my life: my boys are small but getting bigger everyday. This started out as a space for me to chronicle my life with them and I don't want to lose that.

I stopped blogging because life was just too hectic and I just didn't have the luxury to slow down and process it as it happened. I just had to hang on for dear life and deal with it. But now, things are slower, more stable. My job is great, my relationship is great, my boys are great...so I can breathe again and just enjoy where I'm at.

I also stopped blogging because I didn't really want my ex to read it. I didn't feel comfortable talking about my new relationship openly and I didn't feel like I could be candid. But now...my new relationship is seven months old. S knows about C and C and I live together now, with my boys.

I don't know how often I'll be able to blog, but I am hoping somewhat regularly. We'll see. But for now...it's good to be back.

xoxox

Halloween!

I'm going to be a zombie this year. I have the boys and they are really into scary stuff/monsters/zombies, etc. so I am going to oblige them by becoming one of the undead.

Next year S will probably have them and I will plan on going to a party of some sort and want to be Strawberry Shortcake.

I have all year to find the perfect, not-too-slutty dress to wear. I loved SS as a kid and would not want to tart her all up.

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Grateful

I know life is short and precious...

I can't imagine life without my little boys--they are everything to me...

I love all my friends and family--so much. I get caught up in stress and sadness and day to day bullshit but--I know this is the time of my life I will remember forever.

Sad

I am feeling almost unbearably sad right now. I keep looking for the reason: stress, hormones, this nagging cough that won't go away...but I guess the real reason is the fact that Friday is the 14th anniversary of my dad's death. And it just doesn't get any easier. I would almost say that it's getting worse because there are just more and more things that are happening that he won't get to be a part of.

My brother, Bubba is getting married in less than two weeks. My mom, youngest brother and his girlfriend are driving out to be here for it. My oldest brother is performing the ceremony. It's the first time in 9 years all four of us have been together. (since my oldest brother's wedding)

My family is very important to me, but I don't see any of them often enough. Only when our lives are brought together by joyous events (rare) or tragedies (most often)

I keep feeling like if I can find a solid reason for my sadness then I can just turn it off and move forward, away from it. But part of me thinks I just just sink down into it for a bit. I don't know why I am always trying to always be so in control of my emotions all the time. Maybe because I have kids and I think that I have to hold it all together for them...

There's Beauty in the Breakdown..

object width="425" height="344">

I am so tired. I feel like I have so much stress and pressure in my life and no way to relieve it. It's hard being the only one in charge of so much responsibility.

I am trying to do a good job at work, with my boys, take care of my house, cook and clean up, pay bills, get gas...the list goes on and on. I always go to sleep feeling like there is something I forgot to do, someone I forgot to call back...

I don't know what I need--an assistant, a maid, a nanny, a million dollars?

It's hard enough when everything goes according to schedule, but tonight the boys are fighting bedtime. I think they would rather be with me... They crawled into bed with me last night around midnight. I scooted over to make room for them and fell into a deep sleep. I was awakened several hours later when I put my hand on a cold, damp puddle--LeeLee had wet the bed, a first for him. I wanted desperately to roll back over and go back to sleep but I had to get up and deal with it.

I woke up still tired, thinking about the fact that I have a gas dryer that is not hooked up and since the weather has been rainy my usual line-drying could not happen. The thought of rounding up some quarters to take it to the ghetto laundromat made me want to cry.

I ended up putting my laundry on the line, hoping it would somehow get dry in the damp, misty air. It didn't. I'm sitting on a bed with no sheets at 9pm, with a kitchen full of dirty dishes and a refrigerator full of spoiled leftovers and no actual food.

I need to mop. I need a shower. I am working right after I drop the boys off at school tomorrow. I have bills to pay...I am navigating the terms of my divorce. It's all too much right now. I was sick and tired of the hot Texas summer but this weather is not helping my gloomy mood.

I have a ton to do to prepare for my workday tomorrow. The fact that I do a huge chunk of my work in my pajamas after I drop the boys off at school doesn't help me...on the days I am 'out in the field' I have to seriously gear up. This will change once I have all my accounts locked down but until then....

*sigh*

I'm just venting....I'm sure things will look better tomorrow or blah blah blah whatever...I just need to feel sorry for myself right now...

On the plus side, it seems that the boys may have finally settled down in the other room. (knock on wood..)